Four teams will enter a Battle Royale to fight for the 7-10 spots. JeBron and Josh will duel for 5th place. Ashley and Drew will meet yet again and wrestle for 3rd place. The Pro Bowl will showcase the best players from one Division against the cream-of-the-crop from the other.
And if THAT’s not enough... there’s still the TECMO SUPER BOWL!!! This championship game, featuring Jon and Homestar’s Runners against David and Osama’s Body Guards, was one of the most electric games I’ve witnessed all season. Truly an epic finale.
By the way, every matchup is a Non-Divisional game. Even the Battle Royale is split 2 and 2. How crazy is that??
Put your game face on, fools. It’s Tecmo Time.
Matchup #1: The Battle Royale
Westies vs Blue Barracudas vs Kubes Likes Boobs vs Fukushima Fallouts
Ohhhhh SNAP. Is this the WWE or a fantasy football league?? Neither. It’s a deadly combo.
Well, not exactly deadly. I’d go with potentially life threatening. It’s the kind of threat that comes from the scrawny meth addict that tries to rob you in a dark alleyway with a gun, but it’s the first time he’s ever handled a gun, and he doesn’t actually want to shoot you, but he’s crashing so hard off his meth high that he’s shaking like an idiot (not to mention he’s nervous as fuck), so in the end the probability of him accidentally shooting you is quite high.
That sums up this matchuip quite well. One team unloaded a bullet into your chest, while the others grabbed the $11 you had in your wallet and stumbled back behind the dumpsters.
The chaos of the 4-way melee had just begun when the first team was knocked out of the ring. After getting thrown into the ropes by Tyler and clotheslined by Sam, Noah was flat on his back in the middle of the ring and gasping for breath.... CRUNCH. Wooooah! It’s Jamie West off the top rope with a massive elbow drop to the sternum! The Fukushima Fallouts finished with 61.08 Total Points, good (bad?) enough for 10th place.
The trio of Owners circled each other in the ring, glancing nervously back and forth in the hopes that an alliance would soon form between two of them. When Tyler and Jamie noticed that Sam was not in fact looking at their eyes and instead had his gaze fixed upon Jamie’s chest, the duo teamed up to take down Kubes Likes Boobs. Jamie knocked Sam into the corner, then unleashed a terrible headbutt straight to the face. Blood poured down into Sam’s eyes as he stumbled into the middle of the ring.... BOOM. The crowd went crazy as Tyler Woods destroyed Kubes with a deadly Spear that would make even Goldberg proud. Sam was out cold on the mat. Kubes Likes Boobs finished with 64.54 Total Points to secure 9th Place.
The remaining gladiators were winded, but the fire still burned in their eyes. They retreated to opposite corners to study each other for a moment, and then the dance of death began. They locked arms, and a quick move from Tyler resulted in a painful body slam for Jamie West, courtesy of Barry Sanders. Tyler yanked her to her feet, and tossed her into the ropes. On the rebound, he lowered his lead and catapulted the weary West up into the air. She had a hard landing thanks to WR Art Monk’s big day. Dazed on the mat, Jamie looked helpless when Woods moved in for the Scorpion Death Lock, but just as he grabbed at her legs she lashed out with her boot and caught him square in the stomach.
Hunched over and gasping, Tyler walked right into the Piledriver. Jamie turned him upside down and slammed him to the ground with the full force of WR Haywood Jeffries. Wasting no time, Jamie grabbed him by the hair and pulled him to his feet. Jamie worked the crowd as Tyler staggered in the middle of the ring. She grabbed him by the arm to throw him to the corner, but Tyler reversed the move and sent her sprawling against the turnbuckle herself. He charged in for the Spear, but Jamie’s boot was quick again and he took a brutal kick to the face from QB Joe Montana.
The crowd began to go nuts as Jamie pulled down the sleeve of her right arm and thrust it straight up into the air, her fingers closed tight in the shape of a claw. She circled Tyler several times before pulling him to his feet yet again, and grabbed him right around the neck. With a great heave she lifted him above her head, high into the air, and KABOOOOM... she unleashed the fury of Earnest Byner and Choke Slammed him to the ground!
ONE.... TWO... THREEEEEEE! Ding ding ding! With the victory, Jamie held onto to 7th place in the standings. Tyler actually moved up a spot to 8th place, passing Sam thanks to his 68.46 Total Points and 2nd Place finish in the Battle Royale.
7th Place: Jamie (Westies), with 123.88 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: RB Earnest Byner of the Redskins with 29.4 points.
8th Place: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 68.46 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: WR Art Monk of the Redskins with 21.2 points.
9th Place: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 64.54 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: QB John Elway of the Broncos with 10.12 points.
10th Place: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 61.08 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: QB Dan Marino of the Dolphins with 20.04 points.
Matchup #2: 5th Place Festivities
Tatooine Sand People vs Cool Story, Bro
Woo! Are you jazzed up from the Battle Royale recap??? Well prepare to mellow out. Neither of these teams scored over 50 points.
If you take away the 16 points the 49ers Defense gave the Sand People, the best player on the team was QB Jay Schroeder with a 6.46.
If you remove the 15.9 points Cleveland Gary racked up for Cool Story, Bro, the best player on the team was QB Don Majkowski with a 7.02.
True story. The stats were freakishly similar in this game, too. Both teams even had an injured RB. In the end, the difference was only 1.46 points!
Here’s a random highlight from JeBron’s team. Oh, and another.
Oooo, look. A rebuttal from Josh.
I’m not sure if you remember when these teams met back in Week 6, but JeBron won that matchup by 0.44 points thanks to a last second FG by Al Del Greco. The ending of this matchup would have been completely different from Week 6 if this play hadn’t happened.
But it did happen! So once again it would come down to a Kicker. Either he puts it through the uprights for the win, or he sends his team home in despair.
Check it out.
From doooooooooooooowwwntooooooooooooooooooooowwwn. Now that’s range.
With the victory, Josh and the Tatooine Sand People lock up 5th place, while JeBron and Cool Story, Bro fall to 6th place in the Standings.
5th Place: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 46.24 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: The 49ers Defense with 16 points.
6th Place: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 44.78 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: RB Cleveland Gary of the Rams with 15.9 points.
Matchup #3: Uh-well a third third third, th-third’s the word
Holyhead Harpies vs Los Cuñados
Ashley don’t you know, about the Third? C’mon, everybody knows that the Third is the word!
Listen if you dare
Get ready to rumble, folks. It’s the Top 2 teams (in terms of Total Points) going at it for the third time this season. The series is currently split 1-1, but only one team can finish in the Top 3. Who will it be??
RB Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals kicked off the matchup with a big performance for the Harpies. Johnson attacked the open field all day, finding open seams in the defense and hitting the gaps with a huge burst of speed. When QB Timm Rosenbach wasn’t making fantastic plays with his legs , Johnson was the one doing the work. JJ finished with 25 points for the day, helping Woods to an early lead.
With a RB duo of Thurman Thomas of the Bills and Marion Butts of the Chargers, Los Cuñados was well equipped for a RB battle. But on this day, the total scores of Butts and Thomas wouldn’t amount to Johnson’s score alone. Both RB’s found the end zone once, but even that seemed to be a miracle. Butts only found pay dirt after the Chargers forced a turnover late in the 4th Quarter. Neither RB topped 50 yards rushing, and in the end they combined for only 22.4 points.
Next up was a WR battle, as Woods sent Jerry Rice to battle while Drew called upon John Taylor. Both receivers were shut down last week when Joe Montana did his best Randall Cunningham impression, and this week wasn’t any different. Montana was back to his running ways, barely passing the ball at all. When he did hang back in the pocket, the defense found a way to get to him for the sack. When the final whistle blew, Rice had 1 catch for 26 yards and Taylor had 1 catch for 16 yards.
From there, things got worse for the WR core of the Harpies. The once electric Clark Brothers were shut out in unison for the first time this season. Los Cuñados would have used this opportunity to pull ahead, but Fred Barnett also posted a zero, and Mark Jackson could only muster a 7.8 after 2 catches for 58 yards and 0 TD’s.
Screw that. If my WR’s couldn’t get me any points, then Ferrell Fucking Edmunds would. As the TE for the Dolphins, Edmunds saw his fair share of passes throughout the year. Today, however, was unlike anything we’ve ever seen from a TE. Marino was all up in Ferrell’s grill, making him his go-to target in pressure situations. Whether it was a big play down the sidelines or a short hitch over the middle, the two connected several times over the course of the game and finished it off with a TD to give Edmunds a whopping 17.2 points. Drew was back in it.
The turning point of this matchup was the Oilers vs. Giants. Los Cuñados would rely on Phil Simms to snap out of his slump and look for Warren Moon to continue his steady stream of points, while the Holyhead Harpies hoped the solid Giants Defense would shut Moon down and win the day.
I’ll let you decide what kind of day it was by watching these clips.
Silky smooth.
Mmm, tasty.
Skadoosh. The Lunar Launcher was nothing short of brilliant on the field. Moon torched New York all day, throwing for 422 yards and 4 TD’s and earning him Playoff MVP honors. His 30.98 was an extreme opposite to the -4 the Giants produced. The gap between the two teams was suddenly quite large, but Ashley still had some big guns waiting in the wings.
The Harpies have relied heavily on the points of RB Christian Okoye all season, and the Regular Season MVP was ready to do battle. He brought along a friend today in QB Steve DeBerg. The duo started strong against the Raiders, with DeBerg tossing an early TD pass to a diving Robb Thomas . Okoye followed that up with some gifted running, and he even caught two passes from DeBerg in one drive. The RB would finish with 139 yards rushing and 2 catches for 46 yards, but he was unable to find the end zone. DeBerg picked up the slack, heating up in the final minutes of the game to toss two more TD passes. He had another chance to add on some big points late in the 4th Quarter.
Could the Harpies still pull off the comeback after that?? The Bears (Drew’s Defense) looked more than willing to oblige as they let the 49ers walk all over them. At one point Chicago had a negative score, but a few forced turnovers late in the game helped the Bears to a +2, and that would be enough to secure the victory.
In the end, Drew and Los Cuñados would walk away as the victor, finishing in 3rd Place (where they had seemingly been all season). Ashley and the Holyhead Harpies locked up 4th place, even with the league’s best record.
3rd Place: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 99.3 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: QB Warren Moon of the Oilers with 30.98 points.
4th Place: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 88.12 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: RB Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals with 25 points.
THE TECMO SUPER BOWL
Jon Nelson & Homestar’s Runners vs David Horn & Osama’s Body Guards
After months of planning, weeks of execution, and one very amusing email from Sam, we’ve finally made it...
The Tecmo Super Bowl!!!
Representing Fútbol is so Fancy, it’s Jon Nelson and Homestar’s Runners! This tenacious team is led by the #1 WR and the #2 RB in the league: Drew Hill of the Oilers and Bo Jackson of the Raiders. The Steelers Defense is formidable, and the other two receivers on the team (W. Slaughter and Andre Rison) are deep threats as well.
Representing Big Dick Shiancoe, it’s David Horn and Osama’s Body Guards! This scrappy underdog uses every available weapon to conquer the opponent. From QB Jim Kelly and WR Andre Reed, to RB Ottis Anderson, Kicker Mike Cofer, and KR Dwight Stone, this team knows how to squeeze points out of every single player.
The path to the ultimate Tecmo Glory is clear: To Win is to become the very first Champion of the Tecmo Super Bowl Showdown. To Lose... well, the townsfolk might throw rocks at you, I’m not really sure.
GAME TIME.
Let’s start off by getting all of the poor performances and negativity out of the way.
I think Jon’s QB Jim Harbaugh is a good start... Ol’ Jimmy was up against the most tenacious defense this side of the Mississippi. I’m talkin’ about the San Franciscans. Yep, them darn 49ers. Whether they was blitzin’, sackin’, or just plain attackin’, the Defense humiliated Jimmy all day. He only managed 38 yards through the air, 12 on the ground, and zero TD’s for a score of -3.28. Did I mention those 3 INT’s?? Yikes. Ya didn’t hear it from me, but some folks back in Chicago are callin’ him Har-boooooo.
But hey, let’s not only rain on Jon’s parade. David’s Defense, the Philadelphia Eagles, brought it’s D-game today against the Redskins. Washington’s running game had struggled all season, and Earnest Byner hadn’t lived up to his potential. Apparently Philly felt bad about it, so they were kind enough to escort him to the end zone on three separate occasions. Even Mark Rypien got in on the fun, tossing a TD pass and generally having a swell day. In the end, the Eagles were lucky to escape with a -3. Bleh.
The teams shared low scores for their TE’s, which isn’t a surprise. David got a rare catch from Jay Novacek to notch a 1.5, and Jon pulled in another 0 for Mark Bavaro. They also got below average numbers from their #2 RB’s. Roger Craig (Jon) was only able to muster a 4.6 after rushing for 13 yards and catching 1 pass for 23 yards. Keith Byars (David) climbed a little higher with a 7.6 after he rushed for 76 yards, but he had no catches and was also kept out of the end zone.
So who DID score the points?? For Jon, there were no surprises. WR Drew Hill wasn’t about to lose this championship game. It wasn’t his typical day of “3-4 catches and 3-4 touchdowns”. He only found the end zone once (and I wasn’t filming), but he did grab 4 passes for 193 yards. He had to earn every catch, because he was never wide open and often double covered. Hill’s big day against the Giants earned him 29.3 points and gave Homestar’s Runners a comfortable lead.
Osama’s Body Guards responded quickly thanks to a man with a girly last name... QB Jim Kelly of the Buffalo Bills. His day wasn’t flashy, but was consistent and mistake-free. He also ran the ball more than he usually does, which helped fill in the points gap. Furthermore, his favorite target was also a member of Osama’s Body Guards... WR Andre Reed. They hooked up 3 times for 90 yards, highlighted by this amazing toss and catch with only minutes left in the 4th Quarter. Did you see that pressure?! What about the diving catch in traffic?!? Nuts. Kelly’s 22.16 nearly evened things up.
The teams would go back and forth, swapping the lead here and there and racking up points wherever they could. Let’s go back to Jon’s RB Roger Craig for a moment. He had a big opportunity to put 6 points on the board late in the game, but a swarming Bears Defense put a stop to that. The play was even more significant when Mike Cofer, David’s Kicker, came out to rack up an easy 3 points.
Since we’re on the topic of missed opportunities, how’s THIS for ya??
Are you serious?!? That was like 92 yards!!!
Ohhh, but the drama of The Tecmo Super Bowl got even better when Duper got another shot on the last play of the game .
Goooood looooord. So far we’ve seen negative points for each team, a rushing TD ripped away at the last second only to be converted into 3 points by the opposing team, an epic fumble of epic proportions, and a wild finish to the Dolphins/Jets game. David was in the lead now, and he wasn’t about to give it up.
Heeeeyyy, speaking of close calls by RB's...
Wow. Do you know what happens if that play ends on the 1 yard line?? A bootleg by Phil Simms, that’s what. Seriously, David. Your team has already given me multiple heart attacks from ridiculous plays. Ottis added to that play by finishing with 128 rushing yards, and his 18.8 was a huge step towards a possible victory.
Over on Homestar’s Runners, Jon’s team was going about business as usual. There wasn’t a lot of flair, there wasn’t a lot of drama, but the points continued to flow in. Jon’s 3rd slot WR, W. Slaughter of the Browns, had only accounted for 13.2 points in the entire 2nd Half of the season! With a little help from QB Bernie Kosar, Slaughter hauled in 3 catches for 96 yards and 1 TD to pull in 18.6 points and bring his team back from the dead.
QB Jim Everett of the Rams jumped on the resurrection bandwagon, too. He didn’t have a fantastic game, but when the Seahawks’ Secondary took a play off, he made them pay. Guess what, bitches?? Jon is on the comeback train!
After David’s QB Chris Miller only posted a 4.74, and the Steelers Defense worked hard to get Jon 9 points, Homestar’s Runners was trailing by just 15 points. What once was a mismatch was suddenly shaping up to be a fight to the finish. Do you know why??
Because BO JACKSON had yet to play. It’s so fitting that the final game of the regular season would feature Bo Jackson. A 15 point deficit would scare the hell out of me, but with Bo on my team I would just shrug and start engraving my name on the trophy. Yes, David still had one player left, but WR Stephone Paige of the Chiefs had posted 3 zero’s in his last 5 games. That’s a little unnerving.
I wondered if the stiff Defense of the Kansas City Chiefs would shut down Action Jackson, but that was foolish. He didn’t see the ball in the 1st Quarter, but on his first touch of the 2nd Quarter brutalized the Chiefs and took that bitch home for 6 points. Add in the yardage, and Jon was suddenly down just 6 points.
On the other side, Stephone Paige was getting shut down. DeBerg wasn’t afraid to throw to him, but the Raiders defense was nasty. They knocked down several attempts before they could reach Paige, and they had at least one defender on him at all times. It got worse when Paige dropped 2 passes in a row to close out the 1st Half.
With the momentum on his side, Jon cracked the whip and Jackson responded again.
You know what that means?! Homestar’s Runners has the lead. But the fun wasn’t over.
Time and time again, Paige was denied a catch. Every time DeBerg dropped back, time seemed to slow. Would DeBerg throw to him?? Would he even catch it??
Time and time again, Jackson pounded the ball towards the end zone. Every handoff inside the red zone was a heart stopper. As the game wore on the Chiefs started to come up with some amazing stops, but even though he was denied a TD, Bo continued to rack up the yards.
Late in the 4th Quarter, the Chiefs were driving towards the end zone... when this happened.
I’ve already shown that clip in the Ashley/Drew recap, but it’s VERY important here as well. The ball was back in Bo’s hands, and the Raiders were on the move. I thought the game was over. I thought it was done.
But then...
Are you kidding me?!? We’re going to Overtime in the Tecmo Super Bowl?!? AHHHHHH!!!!
This could go either way. If the Raiders win the coin toss, it’s over. Bo will rack up more points and the Raiders will surely put the game to an end with a quick FG.
However, if the Chiefs win the coin toss, Paige has another shot to win this game.
Well, K.C. won the coin toss. But even then, DeBerg started calling running plays. Okoye to the left, Okoye to the right, bootleg, bootleg, etc. The Offense crawled down the field, every play a potential miracle or disaster for Jon and David.
The entirety of Season 1 of the Tecmo Super Bowl Showdown would come down to one play.
Paige needed a TD catch, yet hadn’t caught a damn thing all game. The Chiefs were also on the verge of FG range. A score by any other player would be disastrous, and even 5-10 more yards would bring out Nick Lowery for a FG and end David’s season.
Jon needed the Raiders to do what they had done all game. SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. With all of the sacks, tipped passes, and solid coverage, the Raiders were due for a big INT or a turnover.
So... here it is... the final play of the final game of our season...
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSAMA’S BODY GUARDS!!!!!!!!!
WHAT A GAME! WHAT AN ENDING! WHAT A SEASON!!!
I yelled so loudly and so suddenly when that happened that Jamie was straight up ANGRY at me. I didn’t expect that ending!
With the victory, David and Osama’s Body Guards have marked their place in history by becoming the first Owner/Team to win the Tecmo Super Bowl Showdown. It’s been a wild ride, and now you stand alone atop the TecMountain thanks to a solid effort from your entire team. Your victory is also undisputed, as every other playoff team that had a chance to be in the title game finished with a lower score than you.
Jon, you put up a hell of a fight. Congrats on reaching the title game and finishing 2nd in the Tecmo Super Bowl Showdown. You’ve made Redwood Falls very proud. I’ll be expecting an invitation to your wedding with Bo Jackson.
Tecmo Champion: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 105.4 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: QB Jim Kelly of the Bills with 22.16 points.
2nd Place: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 102.7 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: WR Drew Hill of the Oilers with 29.3 points.
Congratulations, David! You are the Champion of the Tecmo Super Bowl Showdown!
Oh, the Pro Bowl also happened. I didn’t want to post that because it would have given away some very important scores. Check the Google Spreadsheet for the results and points breakdown.
FUCK YEAH!!!!!!! I was reading this in the car after work and after I watched the Paige catch I started punching the roof of my car!!!! Hell yeah!
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