That’s right, we’re only five games away from crowning a champion! Woo!
Today is Round 1 of the Playoffs, featuring two Divisional battles between Wild Card opponents. JeBron and Cool Story, Bro will take their talents to South Beach (Chicago, actually) as Drew and Los Cuñados hosts Game 1. Then, Josh and the Tatooine Sand People will cross the galaxy and touch down in Pakistan as David and Osama’s Body Guards hosts Game 2.
Before we start, I think I’ve finalized the festivities for the week of the TECMO SUPER BOWL.
- Super Bowl
- 3rd Place Game
- 5th Place Game
- 4-Team Battle Royale between the teams that did not make the playoffs.
- The Pro Bowl
I think that will do the trick.
Ok, onto Round 1! No video highlights today (I’ll post them in a few days), but regardless... Let’s do this!
Matchup #1: The Creator and The Creation
Los Cuñados vs Cool Story, Bro
These two teams have met twice already in the regular season, with Drew easily winning the first game and just escaping with a win the second time around. Anything goes in the playoffs, so we’ll see what happens...
RB Merril Hoge was the first player to take the field for JeBron, and he got to work early. Hoge had over a dozen carries in the 1st Half and he made them count. His pace is slow and his jukes are not shifty, but the defense just couldn’t wrap him up. Hoge rushed for 88 yards and 1 TD in the 1st Half alone, then capped off his day by adding 24 more yards and another TD in the 2nd Half. Beastly start for Cool Story, Bro.
The Bears Defense was called upon to start the day for Drew. They faced their Division rivals, the Green Bay Packers. This game was very important for both Owners, because QB Don Majkowski is JeBron’s highest scoring player. If the Bears could shut him down and create some turnovers, Los Cuñados could turn the tide early on.
The Maj Kow came out of the gates sprinting... literally. He decided to put on his best Randall Cunningham impression and bust a move on every play rather than throw the ball downfield. When the 1st Half had come to a close, he had only 1 pass attempt, but had already racked up 76 yards on the ground and 1 TD!
Luckily for the Bears, that was the only TD the Pack scored all game. The 2nd Half was a much different story. Majkowski continued to run (adding another 41 yards before the end), but he had a costly fumble after a big gain that wiped out a potential scoring drive. Late in the game he tried to throw the ball, but the Bears had great pressure and came up with a few sacks and an INT. In the end, Chicago would net 15 points for Drew and Majkowski could only muster a 14.9.
I felt pretty good about how things were going until TE Hoby Brenner of the Saints caught a TD pass for Cool Story, Bro. Points for a TE are a blessing in Tecmo for the Owner, and a terrible curse for the opponent. They are very rare, with a TD only occurring several times a season. Brenner only finished with a 7.8, but it was enough for me to raise my eyebrow.
RB Cleveland Gary of the Rams was next for JeBron, and his day was all about consistency. Bone-crushing runs? Nope. A speedy run down the sidelines? No way. Gary took the ball and plodded forward for 3 yards here, 4 yards there, and eventually a 5 yard TD in the 3rd Quarter. He also had a catch for 9 yards near the end of the game to net some additional points.
With JeBron’s RB’s racking up the points, Drew needed a big response from Thurman Thomas and Marion Butts. However, both RB’s seemed to develop a terrible fear of the end zone before their games this week, and they might have been slightly hungover from the looks of things. Thomas couldn’t get his motor started, notching only 54 yards and 1 catch for 4 yards. Butts did a lot better by covering 117 yards, but he fumbled and was stopped twice at the 1 yard line. The two RB’s combined for a paltry 16.5 points...
The Owners were locked in another tense battle, but the outcome would soon be decided by the performance of one player... Phil Simms? Boomer Esiason? The Dolphins Defense??
Negative. I’m talkin’ about Warren Moon. The Lunar Launcher played out of his mind, with his final score not fully reflecting the total damage he could have done. Whether it was Drew Hill, Haywood Jeffries, or Ernest Givins, Moon was slingin’ the rock like there was no tomorrow. He finished with 307 yards, 4 TD’s, and 42 rushing yards... and it could have been even crazier! Both Givins and Jeffries dropped TD passes of over 50 yards in the 4th Quarter, which made me absolutely furious.
Luckily for Los Cuñados, JeBron’s Defense (the Dolphins) could only muster a 1 point performance, and QB Boomer Esiason of the Bengals only finished with a 6.86.
With the loss, JeBron’s magical/imaginary journey comes to an end. It was a good run, Bros, but it’s time for you to GTFO!
With the win, Drew and Los Cuñados will move on to face another Divisional foe when he takes on Jon and Homestar’s Runners in Round 2 of the Playoffs.
Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 119.64 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: QB Warren Moon of the Oilers with 32.48 points.
Loser: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro) with 95.96 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: RB Merril Hoge of the Steelers with 23.2 points.
Matchup #2: The Horn-e Hinke
Osama’s Body Guards vs The Tatooine Sand People
You know how Erbert’s and Gerbert’s has weird names for their sandwiches?? I imagine David and Josh opening a similar sandwich shop and using The Horn-e Hinke as their premiere creation.
These teams are also meeting for the third time this season. David escaped in Week 5 with a 9 point victory despite QB Jim Kelly posting a -0.3. When the teams met again in Week 12, Josh would see his team (a.k.a The Cowboys) have their best collective game of the season. His team scored 139 points, to David’s 114, and the season series was tied up.
Today the teams would finish within 14 points of each other, but who would advance to the next round??
David started the week with QB Chris Miller of the Falcons. Miller has been one of the lousier QB prospects this year despite having Andre Rison and Floyd Dixon at his disposal. Today was no different. For all I knew, someone from the Sand People had paid Miller to throw (or not throw, HA) this game away. He only completed 2 deep passes to Rison before heading into a downward spiral. Miller threw three INT’s before the 3rd Quarter was even done, but somehow managed to find the end zone on an 8 yard run that salvaged his score from a negative to a positive. His 4.4 was not the start the OBG’s needed.
But hey, if there’s one person in the Tecmo universe who knows a thing or two about posting low numbers as a QB, it’s motha-fuckin Troy Aikman. Josh’s QB saw what Miller did and said “HEY. BACK OFF, CHRIS. THIS IS MY TERRITORY.” He then went out and promptly delivered one of his most underwhelming performances of the year, throwing for only 19 yards, rushing for 47, and ending the day with a fumble and an INT. His 1.46 evened the playing field.
Osama’s Body Guards would look to its WR core next, which is where the bulk of the team’s points would come from. Despite QB Jim Kelly of the Bills only managing 14.16 points on the day, WR Andre Reed of the Bills racked up 18 points after he caught 3 passes for 90 yards and 1 TD. WR Stephone Paige of the Chiefs was hot on his heels, totaling a 17.4 after he had 2 catches for 94 yards and 1 TD.
Finally, WR Mark Duper of the Dolphins would go head-to-head with fellow WR and teammate Mark Clayton of the Tatooine Sand People. Both players saw their fair share of opportunities, but Marino set himself up for a few picks and some bad overthrows. Eventually they got in a groove, with Clayton hauling in the 1st TD pass of the day as he streaked down the left sideline. Duper was next, as he created some space to grab a 37 yard TD pass. Clayton would have one more catch for the game, but neither player would get another trip to the end zone.
Using the momentum he gained from Clayton, Josh sent his RB’s into the fray to deal some damage. Emmitt Smith was all about it, gaining 136 yards and a TD on only 8 carries! He also caught 1 pass for 19 yards to finish with a 22.5. James Brooks of the Bengals was on pace to top that mark until he went down with an injury to start the 4th Quarter. In only e Quarters he managed to match Smith’s 136 yards and 1 TD, but wasn’t able to grab a catch. Still, his 19.6 was a big boost for the Sand People.
While Josh’s RB’s rose to the occassion, David’s hid in the shadows. Ottis Anderson and Keith Byars only combined for 10.2 points, with Byars posting an abysmal 1.4. Neither saw the ball very often and neither found the end zone, but even when they did get a touch they didn’t capitalize on their opportunities.
The OBG’s would need points from somewhere else, and once again the Special Teams would pull through. KR Dwight Stone had 6 returns for 69 yards, and Kicker Mike Cofer of the 49ers was a sniper on the field. He knocked in 3 PAT’s, and 3 FG’s of varying lengths to rack up 12 points for the day. Finally, the Eagles Defense, which at times has been terrible, stepped it up against the Giants of all teams. Holding New York to only 13 points, the Eagles blitzed ferociously. After several sacks and a few turnovers, Philly walked away with 10 points and David had the lead.
Josh would need a good performance from his Special Teams and Sterling Sharpe if he was to be victorious. QB Don Majkowski of the Packers was up against the Bears Defense, which was not a good thing for Sharpe. As Don struggled, time began to run out for Sterling, and in the end he was unable to grab a single catch. The resulting zero was a big blow to Josh’s team, but they weren’t done yet.
Kicker Morten Anderson of the Saints notched a 7, despite missing 1 of his FG attempts. The 49ers Defense, always reliable, showed up to play against the Seahawks and held them to only 10 points. Add in a few turnovers and they racked up 11 points.
But would it be enough????
Almost, but not quite. The Tatooine Sand People fell short in the end despite a solid performance. In a twist of irony, Cris Carter (eternally benched for his terrible play) recorded a 9 point day while WC WR Kelvin Martin posted a zero. It wouldn’t have changed the outcome, but it’s a silly time for Cris to finally produce.
With the win, David and Osama’s Body Guards will cruise into Round 2 of the Playoffs to face Ashley and the Holyhead Harpies in yet another Divisional battle.
Winner: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 103.76 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: WR Andre Reed of the Bills with 18 points.
Loser: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 89.68 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: RB Emmitt Smith of the Cowboys with 22.5 points.
Looking Ahead
Round 2 of the Playoffs will feature the four highest scoring and highest ranked teams in the league, which makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Both games are Divisional Rematches, with the teams meeting for a third time this season.
Game 1 will feature Ashley and the Holyhead Harpies (#1) against David and Osama’s Body Guards (#2). The Harpies destroyed the Body Guards by 122 points in Week 3, setting a record for most points scored in a single game at 185 (which David would later go on to break with a 194). Then, in Week 6, David would get his revenge and become one of only two teams to defeat the Harpies in the regular season, with Drew being the other. With the season series split and a berth in the Championship Game on the line, this is bound to be a great matchup. I wouldn’t be surprised if the teams finish within 15 points of each other.
Game 2 will feature Jon and Homestar’s Runners (#2) against Drew and Los Cuñados (#3). Jon bested Drew by 35 points in Week 1 when he set his season high with a score of 155. Then, in Week 6, after several of my players posted 0’s, Jon won again despite having 4 players out on a Bye Week. The two teams sat atop their Division all season, distanced by several games during Jon’s win streak but brought back together for an end-of-season clash for the Division Title. Even if I had won the Division, you get the feeling that Jon and I were destined for this matchup all season long. While the last two games were decided by over 30 points, I expect a nail-biter next week.
Now, if the law of averages applies here we should be seeing a Championship Game featuring the Holyhead Harpies and Los Cuñados. Tecmo has a funny way of working its way around silly laws like that, so I honestly have no idea which teams will play for the title. I can only hope that the games are close and full of highlights!
Let it be known that the only reason I didn't play this week was because the commissioner wanted to give you all a week where I didn't win. In order to dispel this rumor, I would like to report that I actually won every game played this week, but the commish saw it best to report the 2nd place teams so as not reduce morale and leave you all thinking you still had a chance.
ReplyDelete