Week 12 Results

Week #12
Westies	at	Homestar's Runners
Holyhead Harpies	at	Cool Story, Bro
Los Cuñados	at	Kubes Likes Boobs
Blue Barracudas	at	Fukushima Fallouts
Osama's Body Guards	at	Tatooine Sand People

T hin
E thiopans
C onduct
M agnificent
O rchestras


T actical
E lves
C arefully
M urder
O rcs


T aking
E cstasy
C an
M indfuck
O neself

ACRONYMS.

LEARN ABOUT IT.

Matchup #1: Divisional Rematch

Westies  vs  Homestar’s Runners

Jamie and the Westies enter this critical matchup having won 2 games in a row. They’re looking to make it 3 to continue this late season playoff run.

Standing in the way is Jon and Homestar’s Runners, losers of 2 games in a row after starting the season 9-0. A playoff spot is already clinched, but the #1 Overall Seed and the Division Title are still on the line.

Homestar’s Runners needed a strong start, and they got it from... guess who?? Bo Jackson! Bo looooves running the ball against the lowly Seahawks, and today was truly Stoner Bashing Time. Jackson averaged more than 20 yards per carry on his way to 194 yards and 3 TD’s.

The Westies answered Bo’s 35.4 point performance with a 35.6 from WR Haywood Jeffries of the Oilers. Jeffries, the long lost partner to star WR Drew Hill (owned by Jon), had an explosive day, catching 5 passes for 246 yards and 1 TD. QB Warren Moon only completed 7 passes all game, but luckily Jeffries was his heavily favored target. This played into Jamie’s favor, as Jon’s WR Drew Hill had zero catches for zero points.

Jamie put the hurt on even more with a shocking 27.1 season-high performance from WR Michael Irvin of the Cowboys. Irvin took a break from doing cocaine and hookers to actually play football, catching 2 passes for 131 yards and 2 TD’s.

Jon also found a surprising source of points, with his coming from WC QB Wade Wilson of the Vikings. With QB Jim Everett of the Rams down with an injury, Wilson stepped up and threw for 205 yards and 3 TD’s. His score would have been even better without the 2 INT’s.

Sadly for Jon, the fun stopped here. While his team stalled, the Westies went on to score a season high 170.94 points! Joe Montana had 29, Rodney Peete added 23, and even Earnest Byner chipped in with 22.

With the win, Jamie’s miracle playoff run continues, but will JeBron cooperate and lose his game?

With the loss, Jon remains the #2 Overall Seed and fails to capture the Division Title yet again.


Winner: Jamie (Westies), with 170.94 Total Points. (5-7)
Leading Scorer: WR Haywood Jeffries of the Oilers with 35.6 points.

Loser: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 93.56 Total Points. (9-3)
Leading Scorer: RB Bo Jackson of the Raiders with 35.4 points.

Matchup #2: Non-Divisional Battle

Holyhead Harpies  vs  Cool Story, Bro

It’s Ashley Woods vs. Ashley Woods in this fierce battle between two teams drafted entirely by Miss Woods herself. Will the Harpies move into sole possesion of the 1st place overall, or will JeBron cancel those plans and lock up a playoff spot for himself?? A win today by JeBron would also end Jamie’s run for the playoffs.

Uuuugh. Bleh. Yyyyyuck. This matchup was icky...  74.84 to 64.5? Yeah...

You know, Woods had a tough game last week with Bernie Kosar going down with an injury. I really thought Sam would take advantage of that opportunity and grab a win, but I was wrong.

Well, this week Bernie Kosar was still injured, which apparently sucked all of the motivation out of everyone on the team except the RB’s. Yes, Christian Okoye of the Chiefs and Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals actually put forth some effort, resulting in a 25.7 and 24.2 respectively. JJ’s day was especially awesome, because he did it against the nasty 49ers Defense.

Sadly, the rest of the team was like “fuck this, I’m done”. QB Steve DeBerg posted a season-low 0.54, and the Giants Defense had their first terrible game of the season, finishing with a -1. The scariest news came when the Clark Brothers combined for only 2.9 points... Aye Dios Mios!

But fear not, Harpies, because on this day... the other team was even more unmotivated! That’s right, JeBron & Co. managed to have 4 players with a ZERO. The Dolphins D only scored 1 point, QB Boomer Esiason was the only player to score over 20 points, and the team ended up with a loss!

That’s what I love about Tecmo. Ashley’s team, ranked #1 in the league, has earned the “Fewest Points Scored in a Win” award and the “Smallest Margin of Victory” award for two weeks in a row... it’s so random! With the win, the Harpies clinch the Division Title and remain atop the standings, JeBron is now dangling on the edge of the playoff cliff, and Jamie is still waiting in the wings to snatch that final playoff berth.


Winner: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 74.84 Total Points. (10-2)
Leading Scorer: RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs with 25.7 points.

Loser: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 64.5 Total Points. (6-6)
Leading Scorer: QB Boomer Esiason of the Bengals with 20.96 points.

Matchup #3: Non-Divisional Battle

Los Cuñados  vs  Kubes Likes Boobs

Sweet baby Jesus.


I just beat Sam by 128.92 points.

And RB Marion Butts of the Chargers set a new individual points record! 51.2!! Woooo!!!
Los Cuñados finished with 181.54 points after Butts, QB Warren Moon of the Oilers, and the Bears Defense all had big days. Butts terrorized the Saints Defense (who else??) with an attack that featured 272 yards and 4 TD’s. Moon came up big against Cleveland, throwing for 2 TD’s and rushing for 2 as well. Finally, the Bears put the lock down on the Colts offense, racking up 14 points to cap off a big week for Drew.

With the win, Los Cuñados moves one step closer to catching up with Jon and challenging him for that Division Title. It might come down to the last week, but ooooo that would be fun.

With the loss, Sam is officially knocked out of playoff contention.


Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 181.54 Total Points. (8-4)
Leading Scorer: RB Marion Butts of the Chargers with 51.2 points.

Loser: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 52.62 Total Points. (3-9)
Leading Scorer: QB John Elway of the Broncos with 16.62 points.

Matchup #4: Non-Divisional Battle

Blue Barracudas  vs  Fukushima Fallouts

Fun fact of the day:

The Wild Card player for each of these teams was the highest scoring player on their respective rosters for the week... yet both of them were on the bench! Twilight Zooooone.

Tyler’s WC RB, Blair Thomas of the Jets, had an INSANE day inside the red zone. Thomas rushed for 177 yards and was responsible for all 5 of the Jets’ TD’s. Every time New York got within 15 yards of the end zone, Thomas got the ball. His final score of 47.7 is one of the highest totals recorded this season.

Noah’s WC WR, Anthony Carter of the Vikings, had a great day as well. Carter torched the ugly team from wisconsin for 3 catches, 136 yards, and 3 TD’s. His score of 34.6 was 16 points better than any other player on the team.

Now then, onto the players that actually mattered...

The Blue Barracudas were pissed about Thomas, but they had a plan. What’s the best way to make up for missing out on 47.7 points from a RB? How about having another RB score 45.7??

RB Neal Anderson of the Bears volunteered himself for that role, and daaaamn did he go to work. Anderson made the Colts look like a 9th grade JV squad as he burned through them for 158 yards and 4 TD’s, plus 1 catch for 49 yards. He only touched the ball 8 times all game (!), but somehow managed to post a 45.7 to give Tyler a huge boost.

The Fukushima Fallouts tried to fight back, but today was not their day. QB’s Dan Marino and Randall Cunningham combined for less than 23 points, while RB’s Sammie Smith and Herschel Walker combined for only 12 points.

The Barracudas got similar dismal performances from the rest of the team, but it was more than enough to earn the victory. QB’s Mark Rypien and Steve Walsh combined for less than 23 points, RB Barry Sanders only had an 8.6, and the trio of WR’s had a combined 15.2 points.

The good news for Tyler was that the Saints Defense did NOT post a negative score! Hooray! Their +1 for the day was a big improvement from previous weeks.


Winner: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 113.24 Total Points. (4-8)
Leading Scorer: RB Neal Anderson of the Bears with 45.7 points.

Loser: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 78.7 Total Points. (1-11)
Leading Scorer: WR Mark Ingram of the Giants with 19.7 points.

Matchup #5: Divisional Rematch

Osama’s Body Guards  vs  Tatooine Sand People

SssssssssssNAP. If the standings stay the way they are, this is a potential preview of a 1st Round playoff production. These two teams met earlier in the season, and David came away victorious. As the Owners continue to jostle for overall rankings, this game carries a lot of weight.

Both teams scored over 110 points today, with several players on each team exceeding 20 points. The biggest surprise of the day came from the Tatooine Sand People, where QB Troy Aikman, RB Emmitt Smith, and WR Kelvin Martin of the Cowboys all had good days... seriously. No, I’m being honest. Troy Aikman did well, I promise.

The #1 Pick of the Draft had a mistake free day, throwing for 146 yards and 2 TD’s, and rushing for 64 yards and a TD as well. The bad news for Josh is that Aikman went down with an injury after getting crushed by Lawrence Taylor late in the 4th Quarter.

Emmitt Smith continued the mostly smooth day for the Cowboys, catch 3 passes for 34 yards and rushing for 87 yards and 1 TD. WC WR Kelvin Martin finished off the day with a 12 point performance after catch 1 TD pass from 5 yards out.

David had some catching up to do, and he did it with the Bills and the Giants. QB Jim Kelly and WR Andre Reed of the Bills connected twice in the 1st Half to lead Kelly to a 19.36 and Reed to a 22.2. Against the Cowboys, RB Ottis Anderson of the Giants was able to dive into the end zone once and catch a couple deep passes from Simms on his way to a 19.4.

The scores were tight, but the tide would turn when Osama’s Defense (the Eagles) had a bad day against the Bengals. Cincinnati lit up Philly for 34 points, and the resulting -2 was a step back for David.

Meanwhile, Josh’s Defense (the 49ers) didn’t have their usual dominant day, but posted a 6 nonetheless. Hinke closed out the victory when QB Jay Schroeder of the Raiders rushed his way to an 18.82, and RB James Brooks of the Bengals walked all over the Eagles to finish with a 27.8.

With the victory over David, the Tatooine Sand People are now tied with Osama’s Body Guards at 7-5. Can either of them overtake Drew for the top Wild Card spot??


Winner: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 139.28 Total Points. (7-5)
Leading Scorer: RB James Brooks of the Bengals with 27.8 points.

Loser: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 114.88 Total Points. (7-5)
Leading Scorer: WR Andre Reed of the Bills with 22.2 points.

Week 12 Awards and Statistics

Owners of the Week
Drew (Los Cuñados), with 181.54 Total Points.
Jamie (Westies), with 170.94 Total Points.

Drafted Players of the Week
RB Marion Butts of the Chargers with 51.2 points. (Drew)
RB Neal Anderson of the Bears with 45.7 points. (Tyler)
QB Warren Moon of the Oilers with 39.36 points. (Drew)
WR Haywood Jeffrieds of the Oilers with 35.6 points. (Jamie)

Undrafted Players of the Week
No data.

C’mon, Man! Busts of the Week.
The Eagles Defense with -2 points. (David)
The Giants Defense with -1 points. (Ashley)
QB Steve DeBerg of the Chiefs with 0.54 points. (Ashley)

Too Bad he was on the Bench!
WC RB Blair Thomas of the Jets with 47.7 points. (Tyler)
WC WR Anthony Carter of the Vikings with 34.6 points. (Noah)


Largest margin of victory: 128.92 (Drew over Sam)
Smallest margin of victory: 10.34 (Ashley over JeBron)
Most points scored in a loss: 114.88 (David, lost to Josh)
Fewest points scored in a win: 74.84 (Ashley, win over JeBron)
Average Total Score: 108.41
Biggest +/- from Week 11: - 79.68 (David) and + 44.5 (Jamie)