Week 13 Results

Week #13
Tatooine Sand People	at	Los Cuñados
Kubes Likes Boobs	at	Cool Story, Bro
Fukushima Fallouts	at	Westies
Blue Barracudas	at	Osama's Body Guards
Homestar's Runners	at	Holyhead Harpies

Uuuuuuuuugh.

It’s 3:19pm on a Friday... and I have NO motivation.

Must....   type....    owyrpg89ahpfh[08ryaghus[adiog[xjncfiuwg


There is some serious shit going down in the Tecmo world. We’ve got a highly anticipated matchup between the top two teams in the league to decide the #1 Overall Seed, and we’ve got 4 teams fighting for the last 2 playoff spots.

We also have no flippin’ idea what the final team rankings will look like thanks to some key matchups and random chance. We already know that 4 of the Top 6 are into the playoffs, but the order can completely change in these last two weeks. For realz.

Let’s get dirty.

Matchup #1: Non-Divisional Fisticuffs

Tatooine Sand People  vs  Los Cuñados

This game was hella boring. It was dramatic at first because 1) I’m still fighting for the Divisional Title and the #2 Overall Ranking, but a few losses can also drop me as far as #5 Overall, and 2) I was battling Josh Hinke... but maaaan it was just dull.

Josh is in the midst of a playoff brawl as well. He can finish as high as #2 Overall, which would snag him the #1 Wild Card Spot since Ashley already locked up the division. Buuut with some losses he can also fall to #6 Overall. Crazy times.

“Don’t sleep on the Sand People” has been Josh’s motto lately, but his team definitely took a nap today. Not a single player scored over 20 points, with RB James Brooks of the Bengals topping out at 16.8 points. QB Troy Aikman of the Cowboys and KR Tim Brown of the Raiders were injured again, so they couldn’t contribute. Finally, the Sand People’s most dynamic WR (Mark Clayton of the Dolphins) posted a zero for the day.

Los Cuñados wasn’t much better, with only 2 players topping the 20 point mark. QB Warren Moon of the Oilers posted a 27.04 to lead the way for the team, but after that the help was slim. Drew’s #1 WR, John Taylor of the 49ers, was also shut out this week, but TE Ferrel Edmunds was a pleasant surprise with a 10.8. Kicker Nick Lowery added an above-average 10 to help mop up some more points, and Los Cuñados quietly cruised to victory.


Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 112.94 Total Points. (9-4)
Leading Scorer: QB Warren Moon of the Oilers with 27.04 points.

Loser: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 76.52 Total Points. (7-6)
Leading Scorer: RB James Brooks of the Bengals with 16.8 points.

Matchup #2: Non-Divisional Slap Fight

Kubes Likes Boobs  vs  Cool Story, Bro

Wow, and I thought MY game was boring. These two teams combined to score 133.24 points. That’s less than Jamie’s team alone. Not only that, but I could care less about either of these two teams. I am slightly intrigued by JeBron’s losing streak, and it would be awesome for that to continue so Jamie could sneak into the playoffs, but that’s literally the only excitement these teams bring me.

Oh, and the game was only decided by 2.24 points... so I guess that’s cool.

Six of JeBron’s players scored less than 4.2 points. Seriously. Only 1 player scored over 14 points.

Eight of Sam’s players scored less than 4.8 points. I’m not fuckin’ around. Only 1 player scored over 12 points, and that was RB Bobby Humphrey of the Broncos with a 29.3. He turned out to be the saving grace for Kubes Likes Boobs, as they went on to win the matchup.

With the loss, JeBron moves one step closer to missing the playoffs after owning a record of 6-4 just a few weeks ago.

With the win, Sam’s team still sucks.


Winner: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 67.74 Total Points. (4-9)
Leading Scorer: RB Bobby Humphrey of the Broncos with 29.3 points.

Loser: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 65.5 Total Points. (6-7)
Leading Scorer: QB Don Majkowski of the Packers with 18.34 points.

Matchup #3: Non-Divisional Encounter

Fukushima Fallouts  vs  Westies

WTF, Noah?!?



Winner: Jamie (Westies), with 136.22 Total Points. (6-7)
Leading Scorer: RB Eric Metcalf of the Browns with 38 points.

Loser: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 98 Total Points. (1-12)
Leading Scorer: QB Randall Cunningham of the Eagles with 35.24 points.

With the win, Jamie moves into position to lock up that final playoff spot. She’ll need to win her game next week while JeBron loses his.

Matchup #4: Non-Divisional Party

Blue Barracudas  vs  Osama’s Body Guards

Tyler and the Blue Barracudas came into this week livin’ on a prayer. They needed JeBron to lose, which happened. They also needed Jamie to lose, which didn’t happen.

Hmmm. I think I just killed the buzz for this review.

Fear not! There are still bragging rights to earn by winning today, plus David and the OBG’s are still fighting for a playoff spot since Jamie’s team won’t stop winning.

Let me drop some knowledge on y’all. How many points does the average Kicker/KR combo earn a team from week to week?? I’m no mathematologist, but I would guess somewhere around 8-10 points each week.

Well, Osama’s Body Guards got a little more production than that this week... try 27 points!!

That’s right, KR Dwight Stone of the Steelers finally broke the league-wide dry spell and returned a kick 98 yards for a TD. His 140 yard, 1 TD day was by far the best performance for any KR this season. Kicker Mike Cofer of the 49ers chipped in 7 points to create a Special Teams jump start for David’s team.

Tyler would look to his powerful RB duo to score some big points. RB Neal Anderson of the Bears didn’t disappoint, offering up a big day that included 183 yards and 2 TD’s on the ground. RB Barry Sanders of the Lions broke out of his slump to rush for 89 yards while catching 2 passes for 42 yards and 1 TD. The combined 51.4 had the Blue Barracudas back in charge.

Osama’s RB’s were just as feisty, even though they only managed 38 points between the two. To add to an already big day, WR Mark Duper hauled in 3 catches for 99 yards and 1 TD. Would it be enough to hold off Tyler?

Well, the Blue Barracudas got 10 points out of an unheard of source... the Saints Defense! That’s right, the Saints put the hurt on Atlanta, holding the Falcons to only 3 points and managing several turnovers along the way.

Buuuut it just wouldn’t be enough in the end. I told you this would be a Non-Divisional Party, and that’s what it turned out to be. The Blue Barracudas are partying hard because they don’t have to do shit for the rest of the year, and Osama’s Body Guards are celebrating a guaranteed playoff spot.


Winner: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 129 Total Points. (8-5)
Leading Scorer: RB Ottis Anderson of the Giants with 20.1 points.

Loser: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 84.88 Total Points. (4-9)
Leading Scorer: RB Neal Anderson of the Bears with 30.3 points.

Matchup #5: THE GAME

Homestar’s Runners  vs  Holyhead Harpies

HERE IT IS... The moment that several people have been waiting for...

It’s Ashley and the #1 ranked Holyhead Harpies (10-2) against Jon and the #2 ranked Homestar’s Runners (9-3).

If Ashley wins she will lock up the #1 Overall Ranking to go with her Division Title and First Round Bye in the Playoffs. That was a lot of capital letters.

If Jon wins he’ll lock up the Division Title and a First Round Bye as well. He will also hold a tie-break over the Harpies and regain the #1 Overall Ranking. But, with a loss in Week 14 by Jon and a win in Week 14 by Ashley, the #1 Ranking could still switch hands.

This game ended up being a blowout, which I think is fitting for such an epic battle. One team stands up and says “LISTEN HERE, BITCH. THIS IS MY HOUSE.” The final margin of victory was 62.88, the largest of the week. But who won?!?

Jon started with strong outing from WR Drew Hill of the Oilers. Hill only caught 3 passes for 68 yards, but every catch was a TD. His 27.8 was a good start for Homestar’s Runners.

Ashley countered with none other than RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs. Okoye had ANOTHER game where he rushed for over 250 yards. This time, he finished with 258 and 3 TD’s. What a gangster.

Homestar’s Runners needed a big response, but took a step backwards instead. QB Jim Everett of the Rams was injured yet again, so QB Wade Wilson of the Vikings filled in for the 2nd straight week. Wilson was great last week, but downright awful today. After 2 INT’s, a fumble, and only 3 completed passes, Wilson ended with a score of 0.76.

QB Jim Harbaugh of the Bears did even worse. He only managed to complete 2 passes, along with 2 INT’s, fewer passing yards, and fewer rushing yards than Wilson. His -2.7 was bad news for Jon.

The Harpies circled above their prey, and dove in for the kill. WR Jerry Rice of the 49ers had a monster day, catching 4 passes for 166 yards and 2 TD’s. RB Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals added 17 points after rushing for 110 yards and 1 TD, and the Giants Defense capped off the week by dominating Tampa Bay to post a 12.

With the loss, Jon (who started the season 9-0) will find himself in a battle for the Division Title with Drew next week. Jon only needs to win his game to clinch, while Drew needs to win and needs Jon to lose. Drama!


Winner: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 140.14 Total Points. (11-2)
Leading Scorer: RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs with 43.8 points.

Loser: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 77.26 Total Points. (9-4)
Leading Scorer: WR Drew Hill of the Oilers with 27.8 points.

Week 13 Awards and Statistics

Owners of the Week
Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 140.14 Total Points
Jamie (Westies), with 136.22 Total Points.

Drafted Players of the Week
RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs with 43.8 points. (Ashley)
RB Eric Metcalf of the Browns with 38 points. (Jamie)
QB Randall Cunningham of the Eagles with 35.24 points. (Noah)
KR Dwight Stone of the Steelers with 20 points. (David)

Undrafted Players of the Week
WR Perry Kemp of the Packers with 18.3 points.

C’mon, Man! Busts of the Week
QB Jim Harbaugh of the Bears with -2.7 points. (Jon)
The Steelers Defense with -1 points. (Jon)
QB Boomer Esiason of the Bengals with 0.16 points. (JeBron)
QB Wade Wilson of the Vikings with 0.76 points. (Jon)

Too Bad he was on the Bench!
WR Fred Barnett of the Eagles with 9.2 points (Benched for WR Willie Gault who posted a 0)

Largest margin of victory: 62.88 (Ashley over Jon)
Smallest margin of victory: 2.24 (Sam over JeBron)
Most points scored in a loss: 98 (Noah)
Fewest points scored in a win: 67.74 (Sam)
Average Total Score: 98.82
Biggest +/- from Week 12: - 68.6 (Drew) and + 65.3 (Ashley)