Week 14 Results

Week #14
Osama's Body Guards	at	Los Cuñados
Tatooine Sand People	at	Blue Barracudas
Homestar's Runners	at	Kubes Likes Boobs
Cool Story, Bro	at	Fukushima Fallouts
Westies	at	Holyhead Harpies

Today has been an awesome day.

My boss isn’t at work, so I brought in my laptop and uploaded the video highlights from Weeks 12, 13, and 14! I’ve also spent quite awhile playing Minecraft, and right now I’m clearly writing the Week 14 Recap. AND... tonight is Bar Louie night! Woooo! That means so little to some of you, and yet so much to meeee!

Here’s a picture of Donald Glover, because I can post whatever the eff I want.
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp9t3qvH1m1qfp47do1_500.jpg

Oh, Donald.

Ok, so before I get into the Recap, here are the clips from Week 12 and 13.

Week 12

Bo Jackson puts the ball on the ground, but can the Seahawks capitalize?

He had ALL DAY in the pocket.

Some call him The Don, others call him Maj Kow Disease. He doesn't give a shit.

It's actually a Moon Run, but you get it.

Tecmo Owners share the love.

Week 13

DeBerg DeLivers.

Long overdue.

Points for Jamie, points for Jamie, more points for Jamie...

Super Duper

You can't outrun me, Rice!


So there you have it. Plenty O’Highlights. Now let’s talk about Week 14!

I freakin’ love this league. It’s the final week of the regular season, and teams 2-7 could completely change positions based on who wins and loses. It goes a little something like this:

Jon and Drew are each 9-4. If Jon loses and Drew wins, Drew will win the Division Title and bump Jon down into the Wild Card round. If Jon wins or if Drew loses, Jon will win the Division.

If Drew loses to David, Mr. Horn will take over the #1 Wild Card spot and Drew will fall to the #2 Wild Card spot.

If Josh loses and JeBron wins, Hinke will fall to the #4 Wild Card Spot and JeBron would move up to the #3 Wild Card spot.

If JeBron loses and Jamie wins, Jamie will sneak into the playoffs and grab the #4 Wild Card spot, while JeBron will be booted out.

Wowzers.

Also, I don’t have Internet at the moment so I had to type up the stat sheet by hand. It took a lot longer, but I like the new format. Much cleaner. I think I’ll use it next season.

Matchup #1: Non-Divisional Rap Battle

Osama’s Body Guards  vs  Los Cuñados

I’m not actually going to rap, which is too bad since I flow like the Mississippi: long and dirty. I just don’t have enough time!

Alright, so this matchup will decide who locks up the #1 Wild Card spot.

Both teams had trouble sustaining points throughout the entire team. David’s RB’s only combined for 11.6 points, while Drew’s WR core posted a whopping 9.2 points.

The OBG’s then rallied off a series of 12, 13, and 14 point performances from Kicker Mike Cofer, WR Andre Reed, QB Chris Miller, and WR Mark Duper. QB Jim Kelly of the Bills led the way for David, throwing for 159 yards and 1 TD and also rushing for 44 yards and 1 TD.

Los Cuñados needed to step up it’s game, but most of the team was unwilling to cooperate. The Bears Defense did manage a 12 against the Lions, which is pretty good, and QB Warren Moon of the Oilers put up a 15 after throwing for 157 yards and 2 TD’s. But where were the points going to come from?!?

From the RB’s, of course. Thurman Thomas of the Bills got the party started with a 24.1 point performance that included 171 rushing yards, 1 TD, and 1 catch for 0 yards. But the biggest difference maker on the team would be RB Marion Butts, who once again had a huge week. Butts tore up the Raiders and upstaged his opponent, Bo Jackson. When the dust had settled, Marion rushed for 186 yards and 2 TD’s, and managed to catch a 21 yard TD pass as well. 39.7 points anybody?? Yeeeeaaaah.

In the end, Los Cuñados was victorious. Drew wrapped up the #1 Wild Card spot and will face either Josh, JeBron, or Jamie in Round 1 of the Playoffs. David, despite the loss, locked up the #2 Wild Card spot and will face either Josh or JeBron in Round 1.


Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados) with 117.88 Total Points. (10-4)
Leading Scorer: RB Marion Butts of the Chargers with 39.7 points.

Loser: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 98.18 Total Points. (8-6)
Leading Scorer: QB Jim Kelly of the Bills with 20.76 points.

It's Duper again. This time, it's Marino's backup who finds him all alone.

Not so fast, Clark!

Matchup #2: Battle of the Bros

Tatooine Sand People  vs  Blue Barracudas

I’m not trying to say that you wear Aviators, I’m just trying so say that you’re friends.

So Tyler has nothing to lose here, while Josh is simply fighting for playoff positioning. I doubt Hinke cares who he goes up against in the playoffs, so there’s not much pressure on either side.

With that being said, this was our closest matchup of the week! The final difference was only 8.96 points.

QB Troy Aikman was injured again this week, so the Sand People needed to look elsewhere for some points. Aikman’s teammates, RB Emmitt Smith and WR Kelvin Martin, decided to fill his shoes. Smith had a solid game, rushing for 98 yards and 1 TD on his way to a 15.8 for the week. Martin did even better, catching two passes from the gifted backup Babe Laufenburger. That’s seriously his name. You should already know that from watching the clips up above. Martin finished with 93 yards and a TD for a final score of 17.3.

The Blue Barracudas were primed and ready to attack, but the points would be hard to come by early on. RB’s Barry Sanders and Neal Anderson only posted scores of 14.7 and 12.9 respectively, and QB Steve Walsh of the Saints only managed a 1 against a tough 49ers Defense.

Josh marched on with the help of WR Sterling Sharpe. He was on the receiving end of QB Don Majkowski’s best game of the season. Sharpe had 3 catches for 147 yards and 2 TD’s in the game, a personal best for him as well. After the 49ers put together a 12 point performance, the Tatooine Sand People were cruising.

But Tyler wasn’t done. The Saints Defense offered up a surprise 9 points, even though they allowed San Fran to score 30. The big turning point was early in the 2nd Quarter when QB Joe Montana of the 49ers lost the ball around his 10 yard line. The Saints scooped it up and casually strolled into the end zone, creating an 8 point boost for the worn out Saints D.

It would all come down to the final game of the week. The Sand People were out of players, and the Barracudas still had two... QB Mark Rypien of the Redskins and his WR Art Monk. The tag-team started the game with a bang when Rypien found Monk for 2 TD’s in the 1st Half! The duo stalled for a bit in the 3rd Quarter, but Rypien found an open Reggie Sanders late in the game for another TD. Suddenly, Tyler was within 9 points...

The finish was amazing. With only seconds left in the game, Rypien needed to throw a TD pass to Monk for the win. Check it out... Epic conclusion?? Or failed comeback??





















Daaaaaaaaaamn. That could have gone either way!

If Rypien hadn’t thrown it short, Monk might have had a better angle. Also, it’s important to note that if Tyler had used his WC RB Blair Thomas of the Jets, he would have won as well. Thomas put up a 24.1, but it’s tough to give him the start when your backfield is so legit. It is what it is.

With the win, Josh secures the #3 Wild Card spot and sets up a rematch with David and Osama’s Body Guards in Round 1 of the Playoffs.


Winner: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 115.78 Total Points. (8-6)
Leading Scorer: WR Sterling Sharpe of the Packers with 29.7 points.

Loser: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 106.82 Total Points. (4-10)
Leading Scorer: WR Art Monk of the Redskins with 23.8 points.

Matchup #3: The No-Doubter

Homestar’s Runners  vs  Kubes Likes Boobs

This storyline might be getting old, but what once was 9-0 is now 9-4. Jon is a loss (plus a win by Drew) away from losing the Division Title after an amazing start to the season. Can he finish things off against Sam and the saggy Boobs?

Well, this thing was over before it even started. Sam’s team is a tripod: QB John Elway, RB Bobby Humphrey, and the Buffalo Bills Defense. I would even argue it’s a bi-pod, because the Bills haven’t been that great lately. To beat Kubes Likes Boobs, all you have to do is kick out the two legs of the bi-pod and the poorly built structure will crumble to the ground.

Which is exactly what happened. Also, Jon scored a shitload of points.

QB Jim Everett of the Rams threw for 261 yards and 3 TD’s, WR Andre Rison of the Falcons had 2 catches for 60 yards and 2 TD’s, RB Roger Craig of the 49ers rushed for 231 yards and 1 TD, and RB Bo Jackson of the Raiders topped it off by rushing for 95 yards and 2 TD’s and catching 1 pass for 41 yards and a TD.

Bitchslapped.

With the victory, Jon locks up the Division Title and a 1st Round Bye in the Playoffs. He’ll play the highest remaining Wild Card seed in Round 2. I bet his team was just fuckin’ around with me... losing 4 games in a row... making himself look vulnerable... giving me hope... *shakes fist at Jon*  I’ll see you in Round 2!!!


Winner: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 153.2 Total Points. (10-4)
Leading Scorer: RB Bo Jackson of the Raiders with 32.6 points.

Loser: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 72.7 Total Points. (4-10)
Leading Scorer: QB Bubby Brister of the Steelers with 17.2 points.

I'm sorry Mr. Jackson (oooo!), but ARE YOU FOR REEEEEAAAL?!?

Sam's lone highlight.

Matchup #4: Does anyone really care about this??

Cool Story, Bro  vs  Fukushima Fallouts

Do you think Noah even reads these updates anymore?? If you do, I feel bad for you bro. But there’s always Season 2! Plus, you could pull off the huge upset and possibly play a part in knocking JeBron out of the playoffs.

Cool Story, Bro only needs a victory over the 1-12 Fukushima Fallouts to clinch that final playoff spot. Can the imaginary Tecmo beast get the job done???



UMMMM YES. IN A BIG WAY.

It boggles my mind how JeBron’s players can be miserable one week and then top the charts the very next week. Seriously though... Don Majkowski????

Let’s revisit an earlier segment I did on him. I call it, The Birth of a Legend...

JeBron called upon his legendary Packers QB
The man we all know as Don Majkowski
He threw it in the air, he ran it on the ground
And when the dust settled he had 5 touchdowns
Yep, that’s how JeBron just made it to the playoffs
I guess drafting funny names has a very big payoff


D-Maj put up a 46.58! RB Merril Hoge added to the madness by running for 68 yards and 2 TD’s, while also catching 2 passes for 34 yards. RB Cleveland Gary joined in, too. He rushed for 104 yards and 1 TD, then caught 2 passes for 31 yards. Finally, the Dolphins Defense had a great game, as they terrorized the Buccaneers all day and even returned a fumble for a TD.

With the win, JeBron has quite possibly made history by becoming the first imaginary Owner with a full personality and plenty of backstory to ever make the playoffs in Fantasy Football. Cool Story, Bro will be the #4 Wild Card team and face Drew and Los Cuñados in Round 1.


Winner: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 140.7 Total Points. (7-7)
Leading Scorer: QB Don Majkowski of the Packers with 46.58 points.

Loser: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 69.96 Total Points. (1-13)
Leading Scorer: QB Randall Cunningham of the Eagles with 21.92 points.

Matchup #5: Cat Fight

Westies  vs  Holyhead Harpies

Jamie’s season would have aaaall come down to a matchup against the top team in the league. She would have needed a win against an opponent with a record of 11-2, and a loss by JeBron against a team that was 1-12...

But JeBron won, so Jamie’s hopes and dreams have been crushed! Now she’s got nothing to live for, because this Tecmo league was EVERYTHING to her. She never stops talking about it, always hassling me about when the next update is, if I got her emails about subbing her players, etc. Whew, glad that’s over.

However, the Westies wouldn’t go quietly because they knew they had a good matchup. Despite victories in the past few weeks, the Harpies have struggled a bit lately. The QB’s have failed to produce like earlier in the season, the Clark Brothers have cooled off a bit (though Rice has heated up). Points have been spread thin across the team, until RB Christian Okoye swoops in and drops a 30 or 40 point bomb on the other team. If Okoye can continue to produce, the Harpies can win. If not? We’ll see.

This matchup was very even for most of the week. The Harpies started just the way I described, with QB Steve DeBerg of the Chiefs struggling to a 9.38 and WR Gary Clark posting a 0. On the other end, Jamie got a miserable performance from QB Rodney Peete (0.84) and a very slow week from Joe Montana as well (12.92).

The Harpies’ other RB, Johnny Johnson of the Cards, was on a Bye Week, so RB John Williams of the Seahawks filled in. He posted a 13.9, well above his average, to boost the team when they needed him the most. WR Robert Clark of the Lions added 10.1 points after catching Rodney Peete’s only completed pass and running it in for the TD.

The Westies were down, but not out. WR Michael Irvin supplied a surprising burst of points when Troy Aikman’s backup chose Irvin as his favored target. Irvin caught 2 passes for 124 yards and 2 TD’s. Jamie squeezed some more surprise points out of TE Rodney Holman, who had 2 catches for 59 yards and a TD.

After the Defenses, Kickers, and KR’s had totaled their points, Jamie was in the lead... but Ashley still had RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs, and he did his job well.

Okoye owned the field, rushing for 221 yards and 3 TD’s, while also catching 1 pass for 22 yards. His 43.3 point display was just the latest in a long line of explosive performances that have propelled the Harpies to the top.

With the win, Ashley and the Harpies improve to a league-best 12-2 and earn a 1st Round Bye in the Playoffs. The team will play the lowest remaining Wild Card seed in Round 2.


Winner: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 121.96 Total Points. (12-2)
Leading Scorer: RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs with 43.3 points.

Loser: Jamie (Westies), with 95.16 Total Points. (6-8)
Leading Scorer: WR Michael Irvin of the Cowboys with 26.4 points.

3 seconds left in the 1st Half?? Throw it downfield!

Week 14 Awards and Statistics

I’ll update this soon. I’m about to leave work (which is my Internet connection at the moment) so I want to get this Recap out to everyone before I go!

Owners of the Week
Jon (Homestar’s Runners)
Ashley (Holyhead Harpies)