Week 3 Results

Week #3
Fukushima Fallouts	at	Homestar's Runners
Blue Barracudas	at	Cool Story, Bro (D)
Los Cuñados	at	Westies (D)
Kubes Likes Boobs	at	Tatooine Sand People (D)
Osama's Body Guards	at	Holyhead Harpies (D)

 It’s Tecmo on steroids!! Seriously, who payed the Defenses to take the week off?? We had six teams score over 115 points, including one owner who broke Jon’s high score of 155.22 by posting a 185.58!!! Let the games begin...

Matchup #1: Non-Divisional Battle

Homestar’s Runners  vs  Fukushima Fallouts

This week’s Non-Divisional matchup featured the 2nd closest finish. Jon Nelson and Homestar’s Runners brought a 2-0 record and a little bit of swagger to town. Waiting for them was Noah Craft with the Fukushima Fallouts, who haven’t quite recovered from the devastation of their homeland and have struggled to an 0-2 record.

The Fallouts got down to business early, with QB’s Dan Marino and Randall Cunningham combining for over 42 points. Marino threw two INT’s early in the 1st Half, but recovered late in the game to toss 3 deep TD’s. Cunningham had a classic scrambler week, throwing 1 INT and 0 TD’s, but rushing for over 100 yards and 2 scores. WR Al Toon of the Jets managed to put up big numbers against Bruce Smith and the Bills Defense, grabbing 2 TD’s on 2 catches for 96 yards. Noah had a big lead, but would it hold?

Well, Jon wouldn’t see the same explosive production from his biggest stars. He would have to rely on a collection of decent performances from all of his players to keep him in the game. His biggest weapon, RB Bo Jackson of the Raiders, gained only 6 yards on 2 carries in the 1st Half. Then, on the second play from scrimmage in the 2nd Half, Bo took the pitch from QB Jay Schroeder and sprinted 75 yards down the sideline for a huge TD. He would finish the day with only 89 yards and 1 TD, but it gave Homestar’s Runners some hope.

WR Drew Hill of the Oilers failed to deliver as he was double or triple teamed all day by the Chiefs defense. Luckily for Jon, WR Andre Rison of the Falcons picked up the slack. He had 3 amazing diving catches, including a TD on a ball that he had no business catching.

As Homestar’s Runners closed the gap, the Fukushima Fallouts began to stall. With RB Herschel Walker of the Vikings injured for yet another week, Noah needed help from his receiving core, but neither Mark Ingram of the Giants nor Vance Johnson of the Broncos caught a pass. This left Noah with a 14.04 point lead, and Jon only had one remaining player... RB Roger Craig of the 49ers.

Craig faced the Vikings Defense, ranked #1 in the league after the first two weeks. He started off slow, gaining 21 yards on 3 carries in the 1st Half. In the 3rd Quarter he put together back-to-back runs of 12 yards, pushing his total to 55. QB Joe Montana of the 49ers started to take over, throwing the ball or scrambling on every play. Things were looking bleak for Homestar’s Runners until Joe Montana dropped back for a routine pass... he had Rice and Taylor streaking down opposite sides of the field, but John Randle broke through the O-Line, causing Montana to scramble to his left. Just as Randle hit him, Montana threw a bullet down the middle of the field. The ball sailed right over the head of FB Tom Rathman and right into the arms of Roger Craig. He had one man to beat, and he plowed right through the defender on the way to the endzone. Ballgame.


Winner: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 82.94 Total Points. (3-0)
Leading Scorer: RB Roger Craig of the 49ers, with 17.3 points.

Loser: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 79.68 Total Points. (0-3)
Leading Scorer: QB Randall Cunningham of the Eagles, with 25.9 points.

Bo Jackson doesn't care about you. He only cares about TD's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Itk3sfPbMQo

Matchup #2: Divisional Battle

Blue Barracudas  vs  Cool Story, Bro

This game originally had the appeal of a Wizards-Timberwolves matchup, with both teams combining for a 1-3 record and the two lowest point totals in the Tecmo league. Apparently Tyler (Blue Barracudas) and JeBron (Cool Story, Bro) missed this memo, combining for the 2nd highest point total out of any matchup this week.

JeBron wasted no time establishing his dominance. Using the tag team of QB Boomer Esiason of the Bengals and WR Tim McGee of the same team, he posted an early 52.32 point lead. Esiason had an amazing game, throwing for 4 TD’s, two of those to McGee.

Tyler, seeking his first win of the season, would not be denied. He reached into his Pokebag and grabbed the balls of Barry Sanders and a healthy Neal Anderson. Yeah, think about that for a moment....

Balls in hand, Tyler unleashed the fury of the NFC Central, racking up 52.30 points of his own. Trailing by only 0.02 points, Tyler was in position to take the lead. His star QB, Mark Rypien of the Redskins, heard his plea and had himself a day. Rypien found WR Gary Clark for 3 TD’s in the first half!! (That’s a Woods to Woods connection, btw) He added to his total with a rushing TD in the 4th Quarter. Suddenly, the Blue Barracudas led by 33.

JeBron wasn’t about to have any of this
He was foamin’ at the mouth, yeah the man was pissed
So he called upon his second string Packers QB
The man we all know as Don Majkowski
He threw it in the air, he ran it on the ground
And when the dust settled he had 5 touchdowns
Yep, that’s how JeBron took the lead right back
With a legendary effort from a member of the Pack

You like that? That was for my boys in the city of Compton. Anyways, so JeBron has a 5 point lead after all of that drama. Tyler tried to counter this amazing show of offensive power with QB Steve Walsh of the Saints, but he was held to only 1 TD and 1 INT for the day. This left the Blue Barracudas with a slim 3 point lead.

It didn’t take long for RB Merril Hoge of the Steelers to rain on that parade. Hoge had a powerful performance, gaining most of his 104 yards after contact. He found the end zone twice, bringing his point total up to 23.4 and boosting JeBron into the lead. WR Louis Lipps of the Steelers provided the nail in the coffin when he hauled in a 55 yard catch from Bubby Brister.

I honestly can’t believe it, but “Cool Story, Bro” (the team drafted entirely based on which players had the coolest names) dropped 138.52 points on the Blue Barracudas. Not only did JeBron improve to 2-1, but he also won an Owner of the Week Award. It’s a cruel world...


Winner: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 138.52 Total Points. (2-1)
Leading Scorer: QB Don Majkowski of the Packers, with 38.3 points.

Loser: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 115.18 Total Points. (0-3)
Leading Scorer: QB Mark Rypien of the Redskins, with 33.4 points.

This is for Tyler. Neal is finally healthy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUtWagMxiz0

Matchup #3: Divisional Battle

Los Cuñados  vs  Westies

Whoooaaaa. Hang on for this one, folks. It’s the Home Wrecker Bowl, featuring long-time lovers/rivals Drew with Los Cuñados and Jamie with the Westies. Since both of these fabulous people are daredevils and high rollers, a tantalizing bet of “If I win, you cook me a fancy dinner” was placed on the game.

Before the week started, Drew benched WR Fred Barnett of the Eagles in favor of WR Willie Gault of the Raiders. Gault was facing the bottom dwelling Colts defense, so it was a good call... right??

Nope. QB Jay Schroeder tossed 4 passes to Gault, but one was out of bounds, one was knocked down, and two were thrown so far over Gault’s head it was like Schroeder was trying to imitate John Elway from those stupid Nerf commercials in the 90’s where he would throw the Nerf football into the highest seats of Mile High Stadium.

In the end, Gault scored 0 points, and Fred Barnett actually posted an 11.2 for the week. Lame.

Jamie’s biggest performers, QB’s Joe Montana and Rodney Peete, had their usual great performances. Joe threw four TD’s against the Viking’s top rated Defense, and Rodney threw and ran for a TD against a soft Miami Defense.

Sadly for the Westies, only one other player, TE Rodney Holman, was able to break the 10 point mark. Her WC WR Reggie Langhorne posted a 14, so after 3 weeks of production I’m sure he’ll come off the bench and replace WR Don Beebe of the Bills next week.

Highlights for Los Cuñados included an incredible 41.5 point day from WR Mark Jackson of the Broncos. He caught 5 passes for 185 yards and 3 TD’s. RB Marion Butts of the Chargers and QB Phil Simms of the Giants each scored over 20, and QB Warren Moon added 17.52 to make this a rout.

MAKE ME A SAMMICH, WOMAN.

Kidding. Love you.


Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 133 Total Points. (2-1)
Leading Scorer: WR Mark Jackson of the Broncos, with 41.5 points.

Loser: Jamie (Westies), with 83.48 Total Points. (1-2)
Leading Scorer: QB Joe Montana, with 24.92 points.

It doesn't matter if Jackson is covered... throw him the ball, Elway!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQpEx7z-xKo

The Classic Connection

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=554vT065yRI

Matchup #4: Divisional Battle

Kubes Likes Boobs  vs  Tatooine Sand People

This was a great battle. It resulted in our highest point total between two teams for the week, and also our closest finish, with a final difference of only 1.86 points.

Brace yourselves for fireworks as Sam and Kubes Likes Boobs takes on Josh and the Tatooine Sand People. Both contestants share a bond in that they were similarly thrashed by the demi-god Ashley Woods, but today they are enemies. FIGHT!

After mediocre performances in Week 1 and 2, QB John Elway of the Broncos showed up ready to play. Sam cashed in on a big performance, as Elway hit Mark Jackson for 3 TD’s, each over 45 yards. Elway used his legs to grind out 2 more TD’s, giving Kubes Likes Boobs a hot start.

But that wasn’t all the Broncos had to offer. Sam’s RB, Bobby Humphrey, somehow found time to run for 166 yards and a score. His biggest run came as the clock expired in the 1st Half. Humphrey took the handoff and cut left through a big hole. Seattle’s Defense swarmed him, but he brushed off two tackles and dodged a third before sprinting 59 yards down field for the TD. Kubes Likes Boobs was in the driver’s seat, and he had the pedal to the metal.

Luckily for Josh, his favorite movie series of all time is the “Fast and the Furious”, so he knows a thing or two about racing. After seeking Vin Diesel’s advice, Josh sent out the #1 Draft Pick and two-time winner of the C’mon Man! Bust of the Week Award, Mr. Troy Aikman. It was do or die for Aikman after posting a 1.9 and 0.5 in Weeks 1 and 2. He spent most of the first half handing the ball off to the Sand People’s star RB Emmitt Smith. #22 faced a tough Eagles Defense, but he plowed his way through for 78 yards and 1 TD.

In the 2nd Half, Aikman finally came alive. He found Smith twice in the 3rd Quarter for 19 yards, then connect with FB Tommie Agee on a post for his first TD pass of the season! After the Cowboys recovered an Eagles fumble at the 10 yard line, Aikman ran the bootleg to score his first rushing TD of the season as well.

The Tatooine Sand People still had some ground to cover, but they caught up quickly when WR Mark Clayton of the Miami Dolphins became QB Dan Marino’s go-to-guy. Clayton sliced through the Lions Defense for 2 TD’s and 157 yards, including a fantastic grab in triple coverage.

Josh gained even more points when QB Jay Schroeder of the Raiders and WR Sterling Sharpe of the Packers had 11 point days, and pulled ahead by 16 when RB James Brooks of the Bengals had a big day on the ground against the Browns. However, the biggest boost for the Sand People came from the 49ers Defense. They shut out Minnesota, scoring 17+ points for the second straight week.

At this point, Josh held a 33 point lead, and Sam had one player to go... RB Lorenzo White of the Oilers. Houston is generally known for it’s passing attack, and White’s production is minimal at best... but not today. Not on a day when Kubes Likes Boobs had a chance to squash the Tatooine Sand People. Lorenzo put the team on his back and started chuggin’ uphill like the Little Engine That Could. He rushed for 110 yards and 1 TD in the 1st Half alone. In the 2nd Half, he scored on a short run up the middle, then had a nice gain of 17 to start off the 4th.

White only needed 1 TD or 60 yards to bring victory to the Kubes, but the Chiefs held onto the ball for the rest of the 4th Quarter, stomping out any thought of a comeback.

But wait!!! Overtime?!? Yes!!

The Chiefs and Oilers went into overtime, and Houston got the ball first. White wanted the ball, but Warren Moon wasn’t interested in that. He threw a few passes and tried a bootleg, but the Oilers ended up punting the ball away...

I guess Lorenzo White is the Little Engine That Couldn’t.


Winner: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 130.48 Total Points. (2-1)
Leading Scorer: WR Mark Clayton of the Dolphins with 31.7 points.

Loser: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 128.62 Total Points. (1-2)
Leading Scorer: QB John Elway of the Broncos with 36.04 points.

Matchup #5: Divisional Battle

Osama’s Body Guards  vs  Holyhead Harpies

Dispatch: “911, what is your emergency?”

Horrified Witness: “OH MY GOD!! HEEELP!! SEND AN AMBULANCE QUICK, PLEASE HURRY!!”

Dispatch: “M’am, calm down. Just breathe. Where are you, and what happened??”

Horrified Witness: “I’m at the Tecmo Super Bowl Showdown... oh god... there’s so much blood... so many turbans...  HELP!!”

Dispatch: “Alright, we’re sending an ambulance now. Can you describe the scene?”

Horrified Witness: “I... I... there were witches... WITCHES ON BROOMS... WITH WANDS!! They just kept circling and circling, screaming gibberish and pointing their wands and beating those poor men to death with clubs and bowling balls!!”

I’m sorry, David. Don’t feel bad. You and Osama’s Body Guards are just the latest victims in a series of massacres. I have to play Ashley twice this season, too... and she’s not even in my Division!! WTF??

Long story short, David didn’t have a single player go over 20 points. Ashley had 4 players over 20 points, with one of them (WR Gary Clark of the Redskins) posting a 42.6, which is a new high score for a single player. The Harpies were so good this week that the team had 145 points (their last two weekly totals) before QB Steve DeBerg and RB Christian Okoye even took the field! I would regard those two as Ashley’s best players, so that’s saying something.

In the end, the Holyhead Harpies destroyed the previous high score of 155.22 points with a dominating 185.58. The winning margin of 122.46 is also a new record.

With the win, Ashley joins Jon as the only Owners with a record of 3-0. She’s also the only person to go 3/3 on Owner of the Week awards. Noah, you play her next... have fun!


Winner: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 185.58 Total Points. (3-0)
Leading Scorer: WR Gary Clark of the Redskins with 42.6 points.

Loser: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 63.12 Total Points. (1-2)
Leading Scorer: QB Chris Miller of the Falcons with 19.8 points.

Week 3 Awards and Statistics

Owners of the Week
Ashley (Holyhead Harpies) with 185.58 Total Points.
JeBron (Cool Story, Bro) with 138.52 Total Points.

Drafted Players of the Week
WR Gary Clark of the Redskins with 42.6 points. (Ashley)
WR Mark Jackson of the Broncos with 41.5 points. (Drew)
QB Don Majkowski of the Packers with 38.3 points. (JeBron)
QB John Elway of the Broncos with 36.04 points. (Sam)

Undrafted Players of the Week
RB Keith Woodside of the Packers with 19.5 points.

C’Mon, Man! Busts of the Week
Eagles Defense with -1 points. (David)
WR Cris Carter of the Vikings with 0 points for the 3rd straight week. (Josh)
RB Keith Byars of the Eagles with 4.2 points and 3 Fumbles. (David)

Too Bad he was on the Bench!
WR Fred Barnett of the Eagles with 11.2 points (Drew)

Largest margin of victory: 122.46 (Ashley over David)
Smallest margin of victory: 1.86 (Josh over Sam)
Most points scored in a loss: 128.62 (Sam)
Fewest points scored in a win: 82.94 (Jon)
Average total score: 114.06
Biggest +/- from Week 2: -28.68 (David) and +94.7 (JeBron)