Week 4 Results

Week #4
Homestar's Runners	at	Westies (D)
Los Cuñados	at	Blue Barracudas (D)
Kubes Likes Boobs	at	Osama's Body Guards (D)
Holyhead Harpies	at	Fukushima Fallouts (D)
Cool Story, Bro	at	Tatooine Sand People

Week 1 was random and confusing. Week 2 was about tenacious defense. Week 3 focused on explosive offense. Week 4? Kickers!! Oh, and Bo Jackson. Let’s get to it!

Matchup #1: Divisional Battle

Homestar’s Runners  vs  Westies

Since the year 2000, two NFL players have racked up over 50 fantasy points in one week. In 2002, RB Shaun Alexander of the Seahawks ran for 5 TD’s against the Vikings... in the first half!!! His 52 point fantasy performance was pure insanity. Then, in 2003, RB Clinton Portis of the Broncos torched the Chiefs for an amazing 54 point fantasy performance to take the top spot for the new millennium.

But this isn’t the new millennium. This is 1991.... This is the time of Bo Jackson. We all know he has superhuman abilities, but I’m pretty sure I found the secret to his success. Watch this video for a look at what powers Bo Jackson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC2x3rju5UI

I knew he was going to dominate when he took the first handoff of the game resulted in a 72 yard TD run full of jukes and broken tackles. His second carry of the game... well, he made the Falcons look like fools on that 41 yard TD shuffle. Finally, just to show off, Bo demanded that Schroeder give him the ball again. On his third carry, he slowly strut down the field, glaring at the Atlanta defenders... challenging them to tackle him. They refused, choosing to kneel instead as he confidently passed into the end zone for his 3rd TD in 3 carries.

And that was just the 1st Quarter! Jackson ran for 2 more TD’s in the second half, embarrassing the Falcons defense on the way to a 63-0 Raiders victory! Bo’s point total?? 49.1... Damn.

That really set the tone for today’s matchup. Jon got 13 from the Steelers Defense, and a solid 18 from RB Roger Craig of the 49ers and WR Drew Hill of the Oilers to distance himself from the Westies. Jamie’s WR Haywood Jeffries of the Oilers was out with an injury, so WC WR Reggie Langhorne of the Browns stepped in. He had a great day, posting a 23, which was the highest total for the Westies this week. The Chiefs Defense added a 15 after they dominated Seattle, but it just wasn’t enough.

Congrats to Jon on remaining undefeated!


Winner: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 131.18 Total Points. (4-0).
Leading Scorer: RB Bo Mothafuckin’ Jackson of the Raiders, with 49.1 points.

Loser: Jamie (Westies), with 80.26 Total Points. (1-3)
Leading Scorer: WC WR Reggie Langhorne of the Browns, with 23 points.

Kicker Scott Norwood of the Bills lines up from 56 yards away...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VFlg52kDak

Matchup #2: Divisional Battle

Los Cuñados  vs  Blue Barracudas

Did you know that a group of barracudas is called a battery? I found that little tidbit of information on Ashley Woods’ favorite research site, Wikipedia. Anyways, for those of you who follow the show “The League”, I publicly taunted Tyler’s battery of Blue Barracudas by posting a clip of Rafi talkin’ some smack to Kevin.

If you missed it on his FB, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUBxVELwHO8



Would my swagger turn against me?? Let’s find out.

Tyler would need a big performance from RB Barry Sanders of the Lions, and that’s exactly what he got. Barry heard what Bo was doing, and he wasn’t about to be upstaged. Sanders faced the league-worst Colts Defense, tearing up the field for 2 TD’s in the 1st Half and 2 TD’s in the 2nd. He added 125 yards to the mix, totaling a score of 36.5 for the week... and that was only on 7 carries!

Drew and Los Cuñados answered with a 33.8 from the Lord of Texas, Warren Moon. The Oilers QB had a big day, completing 7/11 passes for 260 yards and 3 TD’s. He added a rushing TD to his resume with a nifty bootleg from the 15 yard line late in the game. He almost had another rushing TD when he scrambled through the Patriots Defense for 33 yards, but he was tackled at the 1 yard line.

The Blue Barracudas looked to RB Neal Anderson of the Bears next, but the Jets defense shut him down, holding him to 56 yards and zero TD’s on 10 carries. QB Mark Rypien of the Redskins and his WR Art Monk were ready to offer a boost, but the Bengals Defense played lights out, holding Rypien to 141 yards and 1 TD and Monk to 1 catch for 36 yards. Tyler’s other QB, Steve Walsh of the Saints, had a miserable game against the Vikings, throwing two INT’s on his way to a -1.22. Cheer up, Steve... you won a “C’mon, Man! Bust of the Week” award!

Drew pulled away as QB Phil Simms of the Giants continued his trend of posting reliable stats (15.88), while RB Thurman Thomas of the Bills added a 22.8 after rushing for 155 yards and 1 TD.

Tyler, I think your batteries are dead...

On a funny note, the WC player for Los Cuñados, WR Willie Gault of the Raiders, posted a zero last week when Drew chose to use him over WR Fred Barnett of the Eagles. This week, when Gault was back on the bench, he caught 3 passes for 151 yards and 1 TD... curses!!

Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 130.68 Total Points. (3-1)
Leading Scorer: QB Warren Moon of the Oilers, with 33.8 points.

Loser: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 79.72 Total Points. (0-4)
Leading Scorer: Barry Sanders, with 36.5 points.

RB Thurman Thomas of the Bills sets up a TD pass from QB Jim Kelly to WR Andre Reed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPvPwZ1Rdsw

Matchup #3: Divisional Battle

Kubes Likes Boobs  vs  Osama’s Body Guards

After failing to love boobs enough last week, Sam and Kubes Likes Boobs returns to face the most recent victim of the Holyhead Harpies, David. Mr. Horn managed to book a flight to the mountains of Pakistan a few days ago in order to recruit a fresh batch of Osama’s Body Guards. Would the results be any different with this rejuvenated team?

David started off on the wrong foot. QB Chris Miller of the Falcons was pummeled by the Raiders Defense, fumbling twice inside his own 20 yard line and throwing an INT late in the game. His score of -2.36 was the lowest of any player this week, easily earning him a “C’mon, Man! Bust of the Week” award.

Sam capitalized on this opportunity, sending out his ferocious tag team of Broncos QB John Elway and Broncos RB Bobby Humphrey. Elway only completed 4 passes all game, with zero TD’s and 2 INT’s. But just like last week, he turned it around and used his legs inside the red zone. Elway ran that bootleg like a champ, scoring 3 TD’s on 3 short runs to post a 23.28.

When Elway didn’t have the ball, Humphrey did. The Pro Bowler ran downhill all day, brushing off tackles with reckless abandon as he sprinted right down the middle of the field. His 2 TD’s and 131 yards on the ground, combined with Elway’s stats, gave Kubes Likes Boobs a 53 point lead early on.

David’s Kicker, Mike Cofer of the 49ers, provided a nice boost by going 3/3 on FG’s and adding 2 PAT’s. His 11 point day was a new record for Kickers this year. Osama’s main QB, Jim Kelly of the Bills, looked like he was going to break out of his 3 week funk and get down to business. He started off with a quick TD pass to Andre Reed, but after that he fell into his usual rhythm. His 10.24 for the week is just 1 point below his season high.

Sam put an end to the competition when QB Bubby Brister of the Steelers followed Elway’s lead and opted to run the ball in the red zone rather than force it to one of his mediocre receivers. His mistake-free day involved 3 rushing TD’s, including one play where he deftly avoided an Eagles blitz and took it in for six. That was all Kubes Likes Boobs needed to cash in a motorboat victory for the week.


Winner: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 111.14 Total Points. (2-2)
Leading Scorer: QB Bubby Brister of the Steelers, with 26.46 points.

Loser: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 59.68 Total Points. (1-3)
Leading Scorer: WR Stephone Paige of the Chiefs, with 12.9 points.

QB Bubby Brister of the Steelers cuts right through the blitz and takes it in for six.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCozgi-gOoQ

Matchup #4: Divisional Battle

Holyhead Harpies  vs  Fukushima Fallouts

Just one week after turning the terror back on the terrorists by slingin’ Avada Kadavra around like it was a simple Lumos spell, Ashley and the undefeated Holyhead Harpies flew into town to take on Noah and the winless Fukushima Fallouts.

Noah brought the radiation early with a solid day from a healthy Herschel Walker. The Vikings RB carried the ball 16 times against the Saints, tearing them up for 116 yards and 2 TD’s. After WR Al Toon of the Jets snagged 2 TD’s from QB Ken O’Brien, the Fallouts were looking good and ready to compete.

Ashley countered with a solid day from the Clark Brothers. WR Gary Clark of the Redskins pulled in 2 passes for 73 yards and 1 TD, while WR Robert Clark of the Lions had 3 catches for 108 yards and 1 Hail Mary TD at the end of the 1st Half that included a lot of scrambling on QB Rodney Peete’s behalf and an epic diving grab by Clark in the end zone.

In the QB category, the Harpies had the edge again. Bernie Kosar of the Browns and Steve DeBerg of the Chiefs didn’t have amazing days, but they stayed mistake free and they each added a rushing TD to boost their totals.

The Fallouts are known for their deadly tag-team of Dan Marino of the Dolphins and Randall Cunningham of the Eagles, but both threw an INT (Cunningham had two), and neither rushed for a TD. This left Noah 13 points behind.

Things got worse for Noah when the Harpies cast Confundus on the Chargers Defense, making them stumble around like idiots against a well oiled Broncos Offense. The resulting defensive score of -3 halted Noah’s comeback, and earned the Chargers D a “C’mon, Man! Bust of the Week” award.

RB Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals laid the Fallouts to rest with a brilliant 28.6 point performance that included 166 yards, 2 TD’s, and some of the most agile running I’ve seen all season. Check out one of his highlights below.

So kids, what have we learned today?? I think it’s clear that not all radiation poisoning leads to super powers... sometimes your hair just falls out, your eyes bleed, and you die.

Congratulations to Ashley on remaining undefeated!

Winner: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 143.22 Total Points. (4-0)
Leading Scorer: RB Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals, with 28.6 points.

Loser: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 106.74 Total Points. (0-4)
Leading Scorer: RB Herschel Walker of the Vikings, with 21.2 points.

RB Herschel Walker of the Vikings teams up with WR Anthony Carter for this sweet highlight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27irm1_jT24

RB Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals takes the Cowboys to school.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMjksMufwKg

Matchup #5: Non-Divisional Battle

Cool Story, Bro  vs  Tatooine Sand People

It was a record turnout at Hutt Stadium this week as JeBron Lames and Cool Story, Bro rolled into town to face the Tatooine Sand People. Tensions were high after a dispute at the pod racing track earlier in the wek between members of JeBron’s posse and QB Troy Aikman of the Cowboys. WR Cris Carter of the Vikings was nearly suspended when he defended his QB by throwing a few punches at JeBron that night in the cantina. The energy reached a boiling point when Jabba the Hutt announced Lightsaber Night at Hutt Stadium, where the first 20,000 fans would receive free mini-lightsabers. Massive battles broke out in the stands before kickoff, and by the time the situation was controlled only a few dozen fans were alive to watch the game. Jabba insists that Lightsaber Night was a success and that the event will return next season.

This week’s Non-Divisional battle featured our closest finish of the season! The difference in points was a mere 0.44.

Cool Story, Bro was handed the early lead when QB Don Majkowski of the Packers had another big week. The slow white guy from Green Bay managed to rush for 100 yards and 2 TD’s, as well as throw for a TD and 124 yards on just 6 completions. QB Boomer Esiason wasn’t able to provide a similar boost, but his 9.84 performance helped JeBron establish an early 38 point lead.

The Sand People rallied, releasing their ferocious Bengal tiger, RB James Brooks, into the midst of the Redskins Defense. Brooks dipped, bobbed, and weaved his way to 164 yards and 1 TD. As he exited the ring, the 49ers Defense entered. This Defense has been the most consistent component of Josh’s team, and they delivered yet again. The 49ers crushed the Rams, forcing 3 fumbles, 2 INT’s, and sacking the QB once. The 15 point performance brought the Sand People even with Cool Story, Bro.

From this point on, both teams struggled to score points. Two of JeBron’s receivers posted a zero for the day, while Josh’s entire receiving core was held scoreless. Cool Story, Bro got a boost from RB Merril Hoge of the Steelers, who fought through a tough Philly Defense for 126 yards but wasn’t able to score a TD. The Tattooine Sand People got an even bigger boost from QB Jay Schroeder of the Raiders, who somehow managed to throw for 1 TD and rush for another while Bo Jackson was off scoring 5 times.

JeBron squeezed 2 points out of his Dolphins Defense, 4 from his KR, 5 from his lone productive WR, and 5 from RB Cleveland Gary of the Rams. With Josh’s KR injured for the week, the home team trailed by about 10 points heading into the final game of the week...

Cowboys  vs  Cardinals

The Sand People had QB Troy Aikman and RB Emmitt Smith of the Cowboys. Cool Story, Bro had Kicker Al Del Greco of the Cardinals and a 10 point lead. Drama, drama, drama!

Del Greco had two early opportunities to cushion the lead, but one of his kicks sailed wide left and another bounced off the left post. He was 0-2!

QB Troy Aikman started slow as well, going 0-4 with one INT in the 1st Quarter. He realized his failure and began handing the ball off to Emmitt Smith, but the Cardinals D withstood his attack. Smith was only able to rush for 35 yards in the 1st Half.

It was a back and forth battle of mediocrity in the 2nd Half, with each team trying their best to lose. The turning point came after the Cardinals were shut down just outside of FG range and were forced to punt the ball away. The Cowboys had the ball and the Sand People had the lead. A little ball control and some clock management would mean a win for both teams....

Aikman started off great with a pass to WR Kelvin Martin, but on the next play he faked the handoff and dropped back to go deep. He had a receiver wide open over the middle... oddly similar to a play in the 1st Half where he threw an INT. Well, it was the same result here. DB Tim McDonald made his second leaping INT of the game, and the Cards had the ball once again.

The Cardinals marched down the field, RB Johnny Johnson leading the way. The Cardinals Offense looked unstoppable... But around the 20 yard line, the Cowboys Defense toughened up and the Cardinals stalled, ensuring that Del Greco wouldn’t get an easy PAT. It was 4th down, and it was time for Al Del Greco to have a challenging shot at redemption... could he nail a 41 yard FG after missing two chip shots?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlyzEMNZ9C4





























JeBron does it again!! It’s not every day you can have a -65.02 from your score the previous week and still walk away with a victory. How does he do it?!?


Winner: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 73.5 Total Points. (3-1)
Leading Scorer: QB Don Majkowski of the Packers with 28.96 points.

Loser: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 73.06 Total Points. (2-2)
Leading Scorer: RB James Brooks of the Bengals with 22.4 points.

Week 4 Awards and Statistics

Owners of the Week
Ashley (Holyhead Harpies) with 143.22 Total Points.
Jon (Homestar’s Runners) with 131.18 Total Points.

Drafted Players of the Week
RB Bo Jackson of the Raiders with 49.1 points (Jon)
RB Barry Sanders of the Lions with 36.5 points (Tyler)
QB Warren Moon of the Oilers with 33.8 points (Drew)

Undrafted Players of the Week
RB Keith Woodside of the Packers with 16.5 points
WR Jessie Hester of the Colts with 15.1 points

C’mon, Man! Busts of the Week
The Chargers Defense with -3 points (Noah)
QB Chris Miller of the Falcons with -2.36 points (David)
QB Steve Walsh of the Saints with -1.22 points (Tyler)
The entire receiving core (including TE) for the Tatooine Sand People with 0 points (Josh)

Too Bad he was on the Bench!
WC RB Blair Thomas of the Jets with 24.6 points (Tyler)
WC WR Wille Gault of the Raiders with 24.1 points (Drew)
WC WR Kelvin Martin of the Cowboys with 12.4 points (Josh) - Game changer

Largest margin of victory: 51.46 (Sam over David)
Smallest margin of victory: 0.44 (JeBron over Josh)
Most points scored in a loss: 106.74 (Noah)
Fewest points scored in a win: 73.5 (JeBron)
Average total score: 99.828
Biggest +/- from Week 3: - 65.02 (JeBron) and + 48.24 (Jon)