Week 5 Results

Week #5
Homestar's Runners	at	Cool Story, Bro (D)
Westies	at	Blue Barracudas (D)
Fukushima Fallouts	at	Kubes Likes Boobs (D)
Tatooine Sand People	at	Osama's Body Guards (D)
Los Cuñados	at	Holyhead Harpies

Welcome to our first Bye Week. The NFL teams taking a rest this week are the Browns, Oilers, Bengals, and Steelers. Some teams were hit harder than others, and the missing players definitely changed some games.

This week was also perfectly set up for some amazing storylines. Two teams, Homestar’s Runners (Jon) and the Holyhead Harpies (Ashley) roared into the week with undefeated records of 4-0. Two other teams, the Fukushima Fallouts (Noah) and the Blue Barracudas (Tyler) stumbled into the week with winless records of 0-4.

Would any of these streaks be broken? Strap in, it’s going to be a wild ride!

Matchup #1: Divisional Matchup

Homestar’s Runners  vs  Cool Story, Bro

This was the first of two 4-0 vs 3-1 matchups this week. Jon and the undefeated Homestar’s Runners brought their mad skills to town to face the surprise of the season, JeBron and Cool Story, Bro.

Jon was missing WR Drew Hill, WR W. Slaughter, and the Steelers Defense.

JeBron was without QB Boomer Esiason, RB Merril Hoge, WR Louis Lipps, and WR Tim McGee.

After relying heavily on the production of Bo Jackson for the past 4 weeks, Homestar’s Runners got a clutch performance from QB Jim Harbaugh of the Bears, who lead the team with 31.21 points. Harbaugh picked apart a Bills Defense that usually brings the pain, throwing for 2 TD’s and rushing for 2 more.

Cool Story, Bro answered with a big performance from another NFC North QB, Don Majkowski of the Packers. D-Maj, his recently discovered gang name, has played well above his expectations this season. Today was no different. The Packers QB had an incredibly accurate day for a Tecmo QB, completing 11/16 passes on his way to 260 yards and 3 TD passes. He also did some work with his legs, somehow avoiding the monster that is Bruce Smith on his way to a 22 yard TD scramble.

The teams were tied so far, and they would remain that way after Jon’s RB Bo Jackson and JeBron’s RB Cleveland Gary posted nearly identical scores. Jackson had a much better day than Gary on the ground, rushing for 138 yards and 1 TD, most of which came on a 67 yard sweep. Gary wouldn’t rack up quite as many yards on the ground, but he found the end zone on a play-fake pitch early in the 4th Quarter and was on the receiving end of a TD pass from QB Jim Everett with just a minute left in the game.

Homestar’s Runners was puttin’ the pressure on Cool Story, Bro until Jon called in a few friends from Homestarrunner.com … Strong Bad and the Cheat! This tag-team of trouble sabotaged JeBron’s remaining players, holding everyone under 9 points and ensuring that Jon’s undefeated record would stay intact.

QB Jim Everett of the Rams and WR Andre Rison of the Falcons locked it down for good, posting a 22.6 and a 13 (on 1 deep TD catch) respectively.

“Scroooooooll buttons, never looked sooooo goooooood. Scrollin’ up and down... like I knew they wouuuld.” (If you get that Homestar reference, I love you)


Winner: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 109.48 Total Points. (5-0)
Leading Scorer: QB Jim Harbaugh of the Bears with 31.18 points.

Loser: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 68.9 Total Points. (3-2)
Leading Scorer: QB Don Majkowski of the Packers with 30.6 points.

QB Jim Harbaugh of the Bears tosses a short pass to RB Brad Muster, who does the rest.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb0nDWwQeWw

Matchup #2: Divisional Battle

Westies  vs  Blue Barracudas

After a win in Week 2, Jamie and the Westies have lost two games in a row. Her opponent, Tyler and the Blue Barracudas, are still winless... something’s gotta give!

The Westies were at a huge disadvantage before the games even started, with 4 position players on a Bye. WR Haywood Jeffries, WR Reggie Langhorne, RB Eric Metcalf, and TE Rodney Holman sat on the bench while the Blue Barracudas marched on at full strength.

Tyler racked up some big points when RB Neal Anderson of the Bears was on the field. His 174 yard-2 TD performance set the tone for the Bears and the Barracudas, a dominance that was missed during Anderson’s several injured weeks. WR Floyd Dixon of the Falcons had his first big day of the season, catching 3 passes for 83 yards and 2 TD’s from his somewhat unreliable QB Chris Miller. Finally, QB Mark Rypien of the Redskins had a big day when he threw for 181 yards and 4 TD’s, including 1 TD pass to Tyler’s WR Art Monk.

Jamie had some serious catching up to do. The Chiefs Defense fought for 7 points, KR Chris Warren totaled 3.7 points before he was injured, and Kicker Scott Norwood knocked in 3 PAT’s... for a total of 13.7 points... The Westies were in serious trouble!

Shipwrecked off the coast of Brazil, the Westies were treading water, surrounded by a battery of victory starved barracudas. Jamie needed the performance of a lifetime from both of her QB’s, Rodney Peete of the Lions and Joe Montana of the 49ers. They decided to play along.

Rodney Peete was matched against the weak and feeble Tampa Bay defense, and he made their day miserable. Peete was a scrambling carnivore, slicing and dicing his way through the Bucs for 101 yards and 2 TD’s on only 5 carries! He only completed 3 passes the entire game, but 2 were for TD’s, including an 84 yard bomb to WR Robert Clark. When the dust had settled, Rodney had feasted on multiple players and taken a dozen cheerleaders as his mates. King of the Jungle, indeed.

But the Westies weren’t done. Joe Montana stepped onto the field with big dreams. His 1st Half highlights were hard to come by as the Raiders’ pass Defense was spot on. So, Joe took a cue from Rodney Peete and sprinted off into the sunset in search of gold. He torched the Raiders for 85 rushing yards in the 1st Half and ended the 2nd Quarter with a 68 yard pass to WR Jerry Rice, who was stopped just short of the goal line.

The 2nd Half was a completely different story. Montana was Unbreakable like Bruce Willis, rushing for another 21 yards and throwing 3 TD’s in the closing minutes. He wasn’t able to rush for any TD’s like Peete, but his 30 point performance brought the Westies within 28 points of the Blue Barracudas.

Could Jamie pull off the comeback?? To do so, she would need her two worst position players to have big games... WR Michael Irvin of the Cowgirls, and WR Don “I’m famous for that one play where I ran down a fat, cocky black guy in the Super Bowl” Beebe. Their total combined score for the SEASON? 2.8...

Today would be no different. Both WR’s were held without a catch as each team’s QB had their traditionally bad week.

So what does this mean?!? Tyler, welcome to the Win Club. Jamie, enjoy last place.


Winner: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 118.5 Total Points. (1-4)
Leading Scorer: RB Neal Anderson of the Bears with 29.4 points.

Loser: Jamie (Westies), with 94.78 Total Points. (1-4)
Leading Scorer: QB Rodney Peete of the Lions with 35.22 points.

It’s a T-Woods to T-Woods connection when Rypien finds Monk in the end zone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SllciR3Y8c0

RB Neal Anderson of the Bears goes Adrian Peterson on a Bills Defender and take it in for six.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vtY6qRavw0

QB Chris Miller of the Falcons finds WR Floyd Dixon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc7fZIxzB4E

Matchup #3: Divisional Battle

Fukushima Fallouts  vs  Kubes Likes Boobs

We’ve already had one winless team seize the day. Could Noah and the Fukushima Fallouts join the club?? Not if Sam and the Professional Breast Molesters (Kubes Likes Boobs) have anything to say about it.

Noah had two players out on a Bye, but Kicker Gary Anderson and KR Gerald McNeil are not known for turning in high scores as it is. Sam was missing QB Bubby Brister, RB Lorenzo White, and TE Ozzie Newsome, which would prove to be a much bigger loss.

The Fallouts started off with their powerful combo of QB Dan Marino of the Dolphins and RB Sammie Smith of the same team. Noah busted out his dagger flute, played a nifty tune, and Marino and Smith rose out of the ocean like the fuckin’ Green Dragonzord from Power Rangers. The two combined for over 50 points, with Marino throwing for 4 TD’s and Smith rushing for 2.

After the Bills Defense was ravaged by the Bears, Sam’s best response would have to be his own QB/RB tag-team: John Elway and Bobby Humphrey. In the past the two have combined for 36, 36, 61, and 48 points... but today was not their day. The Broncos matched up against a Vikings Defense that has been ranked #1 for three straight weeks. In between handing off the ball to Humphrey and getting sacked by Chris Doleman, Elway was only able to attempt 4 passes all game. He managed to throw for 51 yards and rush for 47, but he didn’t score a single TD. Elway’s final score of 6.74 was his lowest of the season.

Bobby Humphrey was mauled by the Purple People Eaters all day. The Broncos tried to get him to the outside several times, but out of the five times they ran the sweep the Vikings blitzed and stuffed Humphrey on four occasions. He found the endzone late in the game and caught 1 pass along the way, but his 14.4 was well below his standard.

From that point on, Kubes Likes Boobs was only able to score another EIGHT points. Eight!! Sam finished the day with the lowest point total of the season... 29.04. Apparently Kubes Likes Failure, too.

Noah also took a step back when his Chargers Defense posted a negative score for the second straight week, but once again the Vikings had him covered. RB Herschel Walker was a beast, chewing up the Denver Defense for 160 yards on 11 carries. He never found the end zone, but his 17 point performance was more than enough to cement the win.

Nice work, Fallouts! You’re on the board!


Winner: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 83.04 Total Points. (1-4)
Leading Scorer: QB Dan Marino of the Dolphins with 28.16 points.

Loser: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 29.04 Total Points. (2-3)
Leading Scorer: RB Bobby Humphrey of the Broncos with 14.4 points.

Marino feels the pressure, but fires a pass to a diving Clayton for the TD.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_hGyRA0eXc

The Jets go for the Goal Line Stand against the Dolphins. Can they pull it off?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bH3GlpnX3Ok

Matchup #4: Divisional Battle

Tatooine Sand People  vs  Osama’s Body Guards

After David’s disappointing 59.68 performance last week and Josh’s last second loss to JeBron, Osama’s Body Guards and the Tatooine Sand People were both out for blood.

Josh would be missing RB James Brooks and TE Eric Green, while David was without his KR Dwight Stone.

Things got off to a rough start for the Middle East when QB Jim Kelly of the Bills played like a drunk Rex Grossman and posted a -0.03. Kelly threw two INT’s, no TD’s, and managed less than 50 yards of total offense, all the while looking confused and scared. Ouch.

The downward spiral continued for David when the Eagles Defense struggled to stop the Redskins, posting a -1 for the day. The Body Guards were beaten and bruised... but were they done?

Over on Tatooine, the Sand People were raping and pillaging their way through the desert. WR Mark Clayton of the Dolphins chased down 3 prisoners for 105 Truguts (Tatooine currency) and 2 successful killings. RB Emmitt Smith of the recently renamed Cowgirls was on the slave hunt as well, catching 2 prisoners, shaking them down for 45 Truguts, and planting a baby in one of them. After that he tested out his new hunting rifle, killing two pod racer pilots and collecting 122 Truguts from their wreckage.

David had his back against the wall, but he had plenty of ammunition left. Despite throwing 2 INT’s in the 1st Half, QB Chris Miller of the Falcons regained his composure to light up the Saints Defense in the 2nd Half for 3 TD’s. His 20 point performance sparked a fierce rally by Osama’s Body Guards.

RB Ottis Anderson of the Giants was next. Fresh off a concussion injury last week, Ottis wasn’t afraid to lower his head and do some damage. He battled with the Cowgirls defense, producing 76 yards on the ground, 2 catches, and 1 TD courtesy of a screen pass from QB Phil Simms.

Not to be outdone, RB Keith Byars of the Eagles demanded the ball. Cunningham obliged, and Byars saw 13 carries for 58 yards and 2 TD’s. He also caught a screen from his QB, but his 18 yard gain stopped just inside the 10 yard line.

Nevertheless, Anderson and Byars both posted 20 point performances. David was back in it.

With the 49ers Offense scoring a bunch of points, Josh’s KR Tim Brown saw his fair share of opportunities. Brown racked up 67 KR yards, good for 6.7 points. The Sand People got a mediocre 10 point performance from the Cowgirl’s QB Troy Aikman, and another 8.2 from Packer’s WR Sterling Sharpe. Add in Morten Andersen’s 7 point day and the 49ers Defense posting a respectable 5, and Josh had a lead of over 35 points.

But Osama wasn’t done! He rallied the troops and sent in the suicide bombers. WR Stephone Paige of the Chiefs caught 3 passes for 84 yards and 1 TD, including a nice grab in the end zone while he was double covered. Kicker Mike Cofer of the 49ers added 6 to the mix. The biggest boost of the day came from WR Mark Duperr of the Dolphins. He was all about the longball, going deep 3 times for 134 yards with a double dip on TD’s.

So after a terrible start, David and the OBG’s had a slim lead over Josh and the TSP’s. With all of his other options exhausted, Josh had to rely on the previously scoreless Cris Carter to pull off the win. Denver played soft defense on both Carter’s (Anthony and Cris) all day, but QB Wade Wilson’s inability to get the ball downfield resulted in Carter posting his 5th consecutive zero... C’mon, Man!


Winner: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 110.52 Total Points. (2-3)
Leading Scorer: WR Stephone Paige of the Chiefs with 28.4 points.

Loser: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 101.56 Total Points. (2-3)
Leading Scorer: RB Emmitt Smith of the Cowboys with 36.7 points.

Daaaaamn, Emmitt. Where did you learn those sick moves??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSVxoL8ON9k

The Eagles Defense sends a message to the Redskins.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNtFbOE-NZE

Matchup #5: Non-Divisional Battle

Los Cuñados  vs  Holyhead Harpies

Welcome to the matchup of the week! This was the second 4-0 vs 3-1 of Week 5, and it sure as heck delivered. Both Owners earned an Owner of the Week Award, the first for Drew and the 5th consecutive for Ashley. With Jon and Homestar’s Runners becoming the first team to reach 5-0 earlier in the week, could Ashley and the Holyhead Harpies do the same?

Both teams were missing arguably their best QB, with Warren Moon of the Oilers on a Bye for Drew, and Bernie Kosar of the Browns on a Bye for Ashley. The Harpies also had KR Eric Metcalf out for the week.

Los Cuñados would need a good start to keep pace with the Harpies, a team that averages 154.97 points every week! RB Thurman Thomas of the Bills loaded up on steroids before rushing his way to the highest point total of any player this week. Thomas cut through the Bears Defense (which happens to be Drew’s Defense) for 217 and 3 TD’s on just 11 carries! His best run, a 51 yard scamper, ended with a Bears player tackling him just as he crossed the line. The ball broke the plane, and a TD was awarded. Thomas’ 39.7 point day had the country of Mexico going wild.

In a time of crisis, the Holyhead Harpies have three viable options: Disapparate, join Voldemort, or draft a ridiculously talented Tecmo Fantasy Football team. On this day, they went with Tecmo. But even that decision has multiple paths... there’s the tag-team of QB Steve DeBerg and RB Christian Okoye from the Chiefs. You could also go with the always reliable Clark Brothers, two WR who always post good numbers. Last but not least you have the #1 ranked (in real life) Defense of the New York Giants.

Let’s start with the Clark Brothers. You know, I really thought I would finally see WR Gary Clark of the Redskins fail. The Eagles Defense was fantastic in the 1st Half, and Gary Clark didn’t have a single catch. Heck, he wasn’t even involved in the 3rd Quarter. But give Mark Rypien a little space in the pocket and he’ll toss that football to Gary Clark EVERY DAMN TIME. He’s got a #1 WR in Art Monk wide open, and he’d rather throw to a covered Gary Clark... le sigh. Rypien hit Clark twice in the 4th Quarter for 2 TD’s, and my hopes were crushed.

Next up was WR Robert Clark of the Lions. I was even more confident this time around, because QB Rodney Peete simply wasn’t throwing the ball. He only attempted 5 passes all game! Nonetheless, Ashley cashed in when Peete went deep for Clark on the first play from scrimmage in the 2nd Half. Peete dropped back from his own 16 and scrambled to his right. He felt pressure on the back side, so he stepped up into the pocket and threw a long pass from right between the tackles. The ball was about to sail over Clark’s head, but he leaped up into the air, pulled it down, dodged his defender, and he was off to the races for a TD.

Whew... and we’re just getting started! Los Cuñados tossed RB Marion Butts of the Chargers into the mix. Sadly for Butts, his QB is B.J. Tolliver... and for those of you who don’t know, B.J. has the talent of Jimmy Clausen, which means he sucks. Not only did B.J. not call a rushing play for the first 8 minutes of the game, he also managed to throw 2 INT’s during that time as well. Butts finally got his hands on the ball late in the 2nd Quarter and he turned a sweep into a TD, but he wouldn’t see the ball again until the 4th Quarter. Tolliver hogged the pigskin again (you like that? hogged the pigskin? yeeeaaaah), managing to throw another INT in the process. After Butts presumably threatened to murder Tolliver’s entire family, the RB saw 5 carries and 1 catch in the 4th Quarter, scoring 1 more TD before the game ended.

The Holyhead Harpies still had plenty of firepower on deck, and they unleashed the Chiefs duo next. RB Christian Okoye got to work early and often. He had 16 carries on the day, stomping his way to 131 yards and 1 TD. However, early in the 4th Quarter Okoye went down with an injury and may not return next week.

I thought I would gain an advantage with Okoye out, but it’s as if QB Steve DeBerg knew he was on a fantasy team! Every time they reached the red zone in that final quarter, he would stop handing the ball off to Okoye’s backup and either throw a TD or run it in himself! Wtf, DeBerg?!? In the end, both players combined for over 47 points, despite the injury.

This brought us to an interesting situation. With RB Johnny Johnson, WR Jerry Rice, and the Giants D left to play, Woods and the Harpies had totaled 88.32 points. Over on Drew’s side, Los Cuñados had 89.3 points with QB Phil Simms and WR John Taylor to play.

RB Johnny Johnson of the Cards was coming off to 26+ point weeks. He faced a shoddy New England defense, but he only saw the ball 6 times. He finished with 50 yards and 1 TD, and a respectable 12 point day.

The Giants Defense was next up for Ashley, and they faced a Dallas offense that has been mediocre at best. Without Emmitt Smith in the game, I’m guessing the Giants could have pulled off a 10 or 12 point performance... but Emmitt Smith WAS in the game, and he was angry. Emmitt went apeshit on the Giants, scoring all 3 TD’s for the Cowgirls. This was important because he kept the ball away from turnover-happy QB Troy Aikman. In the end, the Giants D finished with 3 points for the day. Not bad, but not great.

On the other side of the ball, Drew needed a huge day from QB Phil Simms. At the beginning of the season I ranked him as the #6 Steal of the Draft, and damn did he live up to that today. Simms was all over the field, running for TD’s, passing for TD’s, and using his patience in the pocket to throw to the best available receiver (which is a rarity in Tecmo). He ended the game by orchestrating one of the sickest final drives I have ever seen in all of my years playing Tecmo. When the final bell tolled, Phil had racked up 34.04 points!

So here we were, two Tecmo gladiators dueling for the win with one remaining player on each team... and they both happened to be on the 49ers! That’s right, the Harpies had WR Jerry Rice and Los Cuñados had WR John Taylor. Drew held a 20 point lead heading into the game, but we all know receivers (especially Rice) are capable of posting 40 point games.

Check out the clips below to see how it all ended....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1LbCIzGjg0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoS9dVup68w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5V-QuUNRO8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwXCCt6VlaI

I caught the Golden Snitch!

Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 147.24 Total Points. (4-1)
Leading Scorer: RB Thurman Thomas of the Bills with 39.7 points.

Loser: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 119.62 Total Points. (4-1)
Leading Scorer: QB Steve DeBerg of the Chiefs with 27.42 points.

I demand that you watch this KICKASS final drive by the New York Giants.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfhLabAFY0I

Week 5 Awards and Statistics

Owners of the Week
Drew (Los Cuñados) with 147.24 Total Points.
Tyler (Blue Barracudas) with 118.5 Total Points.

Drafted Players of the Week
RB Thurman Thomas of the Bills with 39.7 points. (Drew)
RB Emmitt Smith of the Cowboys with 36.7 points. (Josh)
QB Rodney Peete of the Lions with 35.22 points. (Jamie)
QB Phil Simms of the Giants with 34.04 points. (Drew)

Undrafted Players of the Week
WR Mark Carrier of the Bucs with 22.8 points.
QB Vinny Testaverde of the Bucs with 18.12 points.

C’mon, Man! Busts of the Week
The Bills Defense with -5 points. (Sam)
The Chargers Defense with -5 points. (Noah)
The Eagles Defense with -1 point. (David)
QB Jim Kelly of the Bills with -0.03 points. (David)

Too Bad he was on the Bench!
WC WR Willie Gault of the Raiders with 11.6 points. (Drew)

Largest margin of victory: 54 (Noah over Sam)
Smallest margin of victory: 8.96 (David over Josh)
Most points scored in a loss: 119.62 (Ashley)
Fewest points scored in a win: 83.04 (Noah)
Average total score: 98.268
Biggest +/- from Week 4: -82.1 (Sam) and +50.84 (David)