Week 7 Results

Week #7
Los Cuñados	at	Cool Story, Bro (D)
Homestar's Runners	at	Blue Barracudas (D)
Osama's Body Guards	at	Kubes Likes Boobs (D)
Westies	at	Tatooine Sand People
Fukushima Fallouts	at	Holyhead Harpies (D)

First of all, this: http://www.doggelganger.co.nz/

Also this: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/8DxL9H/www.funnyordie.com/articles/4f63052700/rip-conan-s-beard-will-ferrell-finally-shears-it-off

Dibs on “The Clippersmiths” for a future team name. It’ll be a tough choice between that and “The Randy Savages”. Yeah, baby.

Note: Please allow the links above to take the place of my usual humor. I’m lacking the goof today.


Quick note about Tecmo... This is Week 7, the halfway point of our regular season schedule. After this I will be taking a hiatus from the Tecmo battles for about 10 days, during which I will put together a Mid-Season update with a ludicrous amount of stats and other assorted information that will be released to you (probably around the 6th/7th).

I’m planning on simulating some games from Week 8 when Tyler is in town so the people in Chicago can watch my process and see the games as they happen. I anticipate that Week 8’s results will be posted on Monday, July 11th.


Now let’s get down to business! Success in Week 7 was crucial for every team, especially those riding the playoff bubble. The rematches and rivalries continued, with every Owner hoping to gain that elusive Head-to-Head advantage. With the Bye Weeks still in full swing, scores would be much lower, making every single point extremely valuable. TECMOOOOOOO!

Matchup #1: Divisional Rematch

Los Cuñados  vs  Cool Story, Bro

It’s Round 2 of Drew vs. JeBron, as Los Cuñados looks to go 2-0 against Cool Story, Bro.

Drew had WR Mark Jackson of the Broncos, KR Mel Gray of the Lions, and the Bears Defense resting. JeBron would be missing the most productive player on his team, QB Don Majkowski of the Packers, as well as WR Danny Peebles of the Bucs.

I always have that small hint of fear when I play JeBron, because I simply CANNOT lose to that d-bag. He’s fuckin’ imaginary!

My confidence was boosted early when QB Phil “I have no regard for human life” Simms put on a scoring clinic. Simms got a little help from some acrobatic receivers on his way to throwing for 209 yards and 3 TD’s. He rocked that bootleg for 2 rushing TD’s as well, racking up 33.46 fantasy points. Booyah!

Sadly, the rest of Los Cuñados was awful. RB Thurman Thomas of the Bills and RB Marion Butts of the Chargers posted a combined score of 9.3 … When WR John Taylor of the 49ers was held without a catch, I started to get a little nervous.

Suddenly it was time for me to make my weekly decision about whether or not I was going to use my WC WR Willie Gault of the Raiders instead of Fred Barnett of the Eagles. Every time I use him, he doesn’t produce. When I bench him, he puts up big numbers. This week, I decided to use him since the Raiders were playing the Seahawks.

It turned out to be a good choice, as Willie Gault hauled in a 73 yard TD pass from Jay Schroeder, while Fred Barnett posted a zero. I was feeling confident at this point.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED....

On the first play from scrimmage, disaster struck the Houston Oilers... the Lunar Launcher, Warren Moon, was split open like a shitty BP oil pipe at the bottom of the ocean. NOT COOL.

I was in full freakout mode now. Cool Story, Bro had the Dolphins Defense, Kicker Al Del Greco of the Cardinals, and KR Vai Sikahema of the Cardinals left to play. I had TE Ferrel Edmunds of the Dolphins and Kicker Nick Lowery of the Chiefs... hmmm. Advantage JeBron?? I think so.

Del Greco started off by missing a short FG, but ended up knocking one in later in the game. Sikahema had two returns, but wasn’t able to produce a big gain. Finally, the Dolphins Defense went out and dominated the Chiefs. After several sacks, forced fumbles, and an INT, the team posted an 8, and JeBron grabbed a 1.5 point lead.

With the Dolphins Defense dominating the Chiefs, those simple PAT’s were hard to come by! I got 1 point out of Nick Lowery in the 1st Half, and that’s it. Uuuuuuugh.

Then, late in the 2nd Half, QB Dan Marino of the Dolphins called his favorite passing play: shotgun curls. Edmunds looped into the endzone, turned around, and the ball was already there. Woo!


Winner: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 66.46 Total Points. (5-2)
Leading Scorer: QB Phil Simms of the Giants with 33.46 points.

Loser: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 58.6 Total Points. (3-4)
Leading Scorer: RB Cleveland Gary of the Rams with 21.1 points.

Phil Simms. Destruction. Pwnage. Domination.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17jIz-891gA

Matchup #2: Divisional Rematch

Homestar’s Runners  vs  Blue Barracudas

It was an uphill battle all day for Tyler and the Blue Barracudas, as they faced off against Jon and Homestar’s Runners. Tyler was missing BOTH of his RB’s, Barry Sanders of the Lions and Neal Anderson of the Bears, on a Bye Week. RB Blair Thomas of the Jets replace one of them, but could he fill their giant shoes??

John had QB Jim Harbaugh of the Bears on a Bye, but his WC QB Wade Wilson of the Vikings would be filling in.

Game oooooooon.

Homestar’s Runners had a shaky start, with QB Jim Everett not only posting a negative score, but also getting injured early in the 2nd Half. Jon’s RB (and significant other) Bo Jackson of the Raiders picked him up with 177 yard 2 TD performance against the Seahawks. It was just Bo being Bo.

The Blue Barracudas got a steady 22 point performance from QB Mark Rypien of the Redskins, and a surprising 16.64 from QB Steve Walsh of the Saints, who relied on the long ball to score some points. He could have posted a 22 if he hadn’t thrown three INT’s, but it was an impressive day nonetheless.

Tyler took a step back when the Saints Defense posted a -4 after getting torn up by the Eagles, but Kicker Pat Leahy of the Jets produced an 11 to right that wrong.

Jon had a poor showing from his Kicker, Defense, QB Wade Wilson, and two of his WR’s. This left him behind by 3 points heading into the final few games of the season.

Luckily for Jon, Drew Hill was on his side. Actually, let me rephrase that... Luckily for Jon, backup Oilers QB Cody Carlson was on his side! After Moon went down, the coaches gave Carlson one simple instruction: throw the ball to Drew Hill, and throw it DEEP. And that’s just what he did. Carlson’s accuracy wasn’t fantastic, but Hill’s vertical leaping abilities bailed him out time and again. Hill grabbed 4 passes for 209 yards and 3 TD’s, posting a 42.9 (!!!) to effectively wipe the floor with the Blue Barracudas.

I didn’t think it was possible, but congratulations to Jon on going undefeated through the first half of the season! 7-0... wowzers.


Winner: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 103.84 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: WR Drew Hill of the Oilers with 42.9 points.

Loser: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 77.34 Total Points.
Leading Scorer: QB Mark Rypien of the Redskins with 22.9 points.

Kicker Pat Leahy of the Jets... wait... are you serious?!?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWwIf0rmXhE

Matchup #3: Divisional Rematch

Osama’s Body Guards  vs  Kubes Likes Boobs

Last time around, Sam and Kubes Likes Boobs got the best of David and Osama’s Body Guards. But last week, Sam only scored 29.04 weeks, which was by far the lowest point total recorded by any team this season.


Ummmmmmmm......


Uhhhhhhhhhhh........


Kubes Likes Boobs scored even less points this week. 24.82 to be exact.

Not kidding.

QB Bubby Brister kicked off this shit fest with a -6.38, which is also a record low for any single player. The Giants Defense mauled him, grabbing 3 INT’s and sacking him repeatedly. Every time he called a bootleg, they blitzed. Bubby finished with -19 rushing yards and 38 passing yards, and 3 picks. Turrable.

Sam’s bright spot was the Bills Defense, which brutalized the Colts for a multitude of sacks, INT’s, and fumbles. The resulting score of 15 was the highest point total for Kubes Likes Boobs.

On the other side, Osama’s Body Guards were rollin’. QB Jim Kelly of the Bills had his second big week in a row, throwing for 2 TD’s and rushing for 2 more. This is the Jim Kelly that I expected to see all season, and if this keeps up I can see David’s win streak continuing.

Four more players on the team scored over 10 points, and in the end the gap between David and Sam was 80 points.


Winner: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 104.86 Total Points. (4-3)
Leading Scoreboard: QB Jim Kelly of the Bills with 31.08 points.

Loser: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 24.82 Total Points. (2-5)
Leading Scorer: The Bills Defense with 15 points.

Matchup #4: Non-Divisional Battle

Westies  vs  Tatooine Sand People

Fun fact: Jamie and the Westies are 0-4 against their own Division, and 2-0 against the Big Dick Shiancoe Division. Could the crazy streak continue?? Josh and the Tatooine Sand People were standing in her way, hoping to get to 4-3 as the mid-season approached.

The Bye Week wasn’t detrimental to either team, with the Sand People missing WR Sterling Sharpe of the Packers and the Westies missing QB Rodney Peete of the Lions.

Last week Josh was without the 49ers Defense, and daaaaang do they make a difference. His Defense posted its second 20+ point score of the season. San Fran ravaged the Falcons, allowing only 1 TD and capitalizing on a fumble returned for a TD. The Sand People followed that up with a surprising 18 point performance from QB Troy Aikman. It was definitely looking like another miserable week for the Cowboys QB, until Emmitt Smith was stopped twice inside the 5 yard line. This led to the inevitable bootleg, which helped Aikman rush for 2 TD’s. So far so good.

Jamie got an average day out of QB Joe Montana of the 49ers, who posted a 20 after throwing for 2 TD’s. Her kicker, Scott Norwood of the Bills, was spoon fed FG opportunities all day, and he certainly cashed in! His 14 point day included a 60 yard FG! He simply couldn’t miss. What a boss.

From that point on it was misery for one team and bliss for another. The Westies sent out WC WR Reggie Langhorne, who is easily the best WC performer on any team. Today... was not his day. Langhorne didn’t catch a single pass, and his zero set the tone for Jamie’s team. RB Eric Metcalf of the Browns and RB Earnest Byner of the Redskins flat-lined, combining for only 9 points.

The Sand People pushed on, with each RB racking up around 100 yards and 1 TD. In the end, the point difference was big enough to call this matchup before it was even over.


Winner: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 93.78 Total Points. (4-3)
Leading Scorer: The 49ers Defense with 20 points.

Loser: Jamie (Westies), with 59.04 Total Points. (2-5)
Leading Scorer: QB Joe Montana of the 49ers with 22.9 points.

Jay Schroeder lets it fly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urQyPMJ5B10

Just another day on the job for Emmitt Smith.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Gl3DvfljBo

Matchup #5: Divisional Rematch

Fukushima Fallouts  vs  Holyhead Harpies

After starting the season 4-0, Ashley and the Holyhead Harpies have lost two in a row. Noah and the Fukushima Fallouts are still fighting for their second win of the season after RB Herschel Walker of the Vikings fumbled away his victory over Josh last week.

Earlier in the season, the Harpies defeated the Fallouts by over 30 points. Could Noah tie the series 1-1?

Each team had some players on a Bye, with WR Robert Clark of the Lions out for Ashley, and WR Vance Johnson of the Broncos and TE Ron Hall of the Bucs sitting for Noah.

The Defense for each team showed up to play this week. Ashley’s Giants stifled the Steelers and posted a 13, while Noah’s Chargers trampled the Rams for a 10.

The Fallouts continued to do well when QB Randall Cunningham put up 31 points after throwing 2 TD’s and rushing for 2 more. The Saints Defense was unable to contain his scrambling, which often bought him enough time to find an open receiver down field or cut up the middle for a big gain.

The Harpies responded with a big day from WR Jerry Rice of the 49ers. He got all the lovin’ from Joe Montana, catching 4 passes for 113 yards and 2 TD’s.

Noah countered with a solid day from RB Sammie Smith of the Dolphins, who found the end zone late in the game for a TD, while also catching 2 passes for 17 yards.

Ashley used a healthy Christian Okoye to pump up the jam (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EcjWd-O4jI) for her team. The return of the Chiefs RB was well timed, as he put together 171 yards and 1 TD on 14 carries. His 23 points gave the Harpies the edge they needed.

As the week drew to a close, each Owner saw below average performances from their remaining QB’s. Marino (Noah), Kosar (Woods), and DeBerg (Woods) combined for less than 25 points. A few points were tossed in here and there by random position players, but the fireworks were over for both teams.

In the end, the injury to Herschel Walker was huge, and the resulting zero was too much for Noah to overcome.


Winner: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 122.24 Total Points. (5-2)
Leading Scorer: WR Jerry Rice of the 49ers with 27.3 points.

Loser: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 95.9 Total Points. (1-6)
Leading Scorer: QB Randall Cunningham of the Eagles with 31.8 points.

OKOYE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_suLZmZarw

The Chiefs try to tie up the game in the final minutes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J4jIx57BX0

ACTION JACKSON.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x__cbP7DqtE

Week 7 Awards and Statistics

Owners of the Week
Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 122.24 Total Points
David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 104.86 Total Points

Drafted Players of the Week
WR Drew Hill of the Oilers with 42.9 points (Jon)
QB Phil Simms of the Giants with 33.46 points (Drew)
QB Randall Cunningham of the Eagles with 31.8 points (Noah)
QB Jim Kelly of the Bills with 31.08 points (David)

Undrafted Players of the Week
RB Anthoney Toney of the Eagles with 22.4 points
QB Cody Carlson of the Oilers with 22.06 points
TE John Talley of the Browns with 16 points

C’mon, Man! Busts of the WEAK
QB Bubby Brister of the Steelers with -6.38 points (Sam)
The Saints Defense with -4 points (Tyler)
QB Jim Everett of the Rams with -0.58 points (Jon)

Too Bad he was on the Bench!
None are worthy.

Largest margin of victory: 80.04 (David over Sam)
Smallest margin of victory: 7.42 (Drew over JeBron)
Most points scored in a loss: 95.9 (Noah)
Fewest points scored in a win: 66.46 (Drew)
Average Total Points: 80.688
Biggest +/- from Week 6: - 43.3 (Jamie) and + 28.9 (Noah)