Week 8 Results

Week #8
Holyhead Harpies	at	Los Cuñados
Tatooine Sand People	at	Homestar's Runners
Fukushima Fallouts	at	Cool Story, Bro
Blue Barracudas	at	Kubes Likes Boobs
Westies	at	Osama's Body Guards

After weeks of heated arguments and dozens of disagreements, I’m afraid I have some bad news....


The Tecmo Super Bowl Showdown is entering a lockout.


Jamie, the representative for the Owners, was simply ruthless in her negotiations. Troy Aikman, the representative for the players, was brought to tears several times by her harsh words and commanding physical presence.

In the end, despite a surplus of billions of dollars, no agreement could be reached. The opposing sides have apparently agreed to meet again in two weeks, assuring fans for the 497th time that an agreement will absolutely be reached.

Wait. Hold on... ok, it appears we have some breaking news. I’ll let the experts take it from here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo



Seriously, this NFL lockout shit is getting old.

In all seriousness, Tecmo is still going strong! Welcome to Week 8, where you’ll find nothing but non-divisional games (with 2 rematches) as Fútbol is so Fancy squares off against Big Dick Shiancoe. The push for the playoffs is in full swing, so let’s get to it!

Matchup #1: Non-Divisional Rematch

Holyhead Harpies  vs  Los Cuñados

These two teams met back in Week 5, when Drew and Los Cuñados handed Ashley and the Holyhead Harpies their first loss of the season. After the game, Drew received several death threats from anonymous sources and had to call the police when a defective pipe bomb showed up in the mail. No arrests have been made.

We’re still in the middle of the Bye Weeks, and each team had players sitting. Los Cuñados was without the #1 QB in the league, Phil Simms of the Giants, and WR Fred Barnett of the Eagles. The Harpies would play without the #1 WR in the league, Gary Clark of the Redskins, as well as TE Keith Jackson of the Eagles, Kicker Chip Lohmiller of the Redskins, and the Giants Defense.

The big story coming into the matchup was the health of Drew’s other QB, Warren Moon of the Oilers. Moon went down with an injury early in the game last week, and with Simms on a Bye week the team desperately needed him to return.

Luckily for me, Moon ran out of that locker room and back onto the field, where he threw for 318 yards and 3 TD’s, narrowly missing a chance for 2 more. One TD pass was dropped in the end zone by Drew Hill, and another was overthrown by no more than a yard. Moon’s 28.5 point day started the team off strong.

The Harpies responded by slapping me in the face with the surprise of the season, QB Bernie Kosar of the Browns. Cleveland was playing the Chargers, who have given up boatloads of TD’s in previous weeks. On this day, they held Bernie in check... well, his passing game anyway. Kosar was 6 for 21 for only 105 yards, but after two turnovers by the Chargers inside their own 10 yard line and RB Eric Metcalf getting stopped at the 1 yard line, Bernie ran the bootleg like a pro and notched 3 rushing TD’s. The dog pound was rabid with excitement, and his 29 point day was just a little better than Moon’s.

Things got even better for Ashley when RB Christian “The Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye of the Chiefs plowed through the Broncos defense like an angry African camel, racking up 224 yards and 1 TD on 15 carries. He needed a big day to pick up his QB, Steve DeBerg, who managed less than 50 yards of total offense with one INT.

Drew was ready to strike back with RB Thurman Thomas of the Bills. Well, that was the original plan. Unfortunately for Los Cuñados, the Tecmo Gods intervened and struck down Thomas with an injury on only his second touch of the game. Not good. B.J. Tolliver added to my woes by only handing the ball off TWO FUCKING TIMES to RB Marion Butts all game. Die in a fire, B.J.

Ashley’s RB Johnny Johnson of the Cardinals had another solid day, scoring 2 TD’s and rushing for 80 yards on only 9 carries. He continues to be a secret weapon for the Harpies.

Finally, the second half of the Clark Brothers duo, WR Robert Clark of the Lions, used his brother’s Bye Week to assert his dominance in their sibling rivalry. Clark pulled in 2 TD’s for 61 yards on just 2 catches.

With the victory, the Harpies got rid of that tie-breaker I had over them and moved back into 2nd place.

Winner: Ashley (Holyhead Harpies), with 110.98 Total Points. (6-2)
Leading Scorer: RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs with 30.1 points.

Loser: Drew (Los Cuñados), with 79.92 Total Points. (5-3)
Leading Scorer: QB Warren Moon of the Oilers with 28.52 points.

Matchup #2: Non-Divisional Battle

Tatooine Sand People  vs  Homestar’s Runners

After vacationing in Fiji for the past week and not bothering to practice at all, Jon and Homestar’s Runners looks to make it 8 wins and 0 losses for the season. Josh and the 4-3 Tatooine Sand People hope to stay in the playoff race with a big upset.

The Sand People had some obstacles to overcome with QB Troy Aikman, RB Emmitt Smith, and WC WR Kelvin Martin of the Cowboys on the bench for the Bye Week. Jon was missing his TE Mark Bavaro and KR David Meggett of the Giants, a much more manageable loss.

So far this season, RB Bo Jackson of the Raiders has led the way for Homestar’s Runners. He scored over 20 points in 6 times in 7 weeks, and let’s not forget about that monstrous 49.1 point performance in Week 4.

However, today was not Mr. Jackson’s day. He carried the ball 10 times, which is more than enough to stack up some big points, but he never found the end zone and finished with only 83 yards and 1 fumble. His 6.3 was by far the lowest of the season.

Josh swooped in to seize the day, as RB James Brooks of the Bengals tore up the Buffalo Bills Defense for 59 yards and 1 TD on the ground, and 3 catches for 58 yards and 1 TD as well.

The upset started to take shape as the QB’s for Homestar’s Runners just couldn’t seem to produce. QB Jim Everett of the Rams threw for 139 yards and stumbled into the end zone for 1 rushing TD before he was injured early in the 2nd Half. QB Jim Harbaugh of the Bears was harassed by Green Bay’s D-Line all day, throwing for 51 yards and 1 INT and rushing for 18 yards without a score.

The Sand People were moving in for the kill, until they were inexplicably lost in the desert. Their strongest WR, Mark Clayton of the Dolphins, only managed an 8.5, while Cris Carter and Sterling Sharpe tossed up some bagels.

The matchup came down to this: Josh had QB Jay Schroeder of the Raiders, and his high scoring 49ers Defense. Jon had WR Drew Hill of the Oilers and the steady Steelers Defense.

Homestar’s Runners put on the pressure when the Steelers Defense came out of nowhere in the 4th quarter to force a string of turnovers, including a fumble returned for a TD. The 16 points from the Steelers was beastly, indeed.

Josh countered with the 49ers D, and they forced some turnovers as well, but the Lions scored too many points and held onto the ball for too long. The 49ers finished with only 9 points.

When QB Jay Schroeder of the Raiders was unable to produce a big day for Josh, WR Drew Hill closed out the show for Jon with another huge week. Hill doesn’t give a damn if Moon or Moon’s backup’s backup is throwing the ball... he just goes up and gets it. The man with my name caught 4 passes for 168 yards and 2 TD’s, streaking past the Dolphins Defense all day.

With the win, Jon remains undefeated (!!!) and moves one step closer to clinching a playoff spot, and Josh falls to .500 and remains on the playoff bubble. I didn’t think Jon could win without Bo Jackson, but this proves that theory incorrect!


Winner: Jon (Homestar’s Runners), with 97.1 Total Points. (8-0)
Leading Scorer: WR Drew Hill of the Oilers with 32.8 points.

Loser: Josh (Tatooine Sand People), with 64.44 Total Points. (4-4)
Leading Scorer: RB James Brooks of the Bengals with 26.7 points.

It’s the Silver and Black Attack.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4nalIym0ww

Marino to Clayton. It is what it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G96vhi7FleQ

Matchup #3: Non-Divisional Battle

Fukushima Fallouts  vs  Cool Story, Bro

1: JeBron is somehow 3-4 despite having a silly team.
2: Noah is somehow 1-6 despite outscoring 4 out of the 5 teams in the “bottom 6” with him.
3: This matchup was low scoring and mostly boring... until the wild finish.

Let’s make this quick.

QB Dan Marino put together a decent day for Noah and the Fallouts by throwing for 2 TD’s and 163 yards. RB Sammie Smith of the Dolphins did even better, looking more majestic than a Sea World dolphin on his way to 57 yards and 2 TD’s on the ground and 2 catches for 31 yards and 1 TD as well.

Noah’s biggest break occurred when his WC WR Anthony Carter of the Vikings had to play for Mark Ingram of the Giants. Carter caught 2 of the 3 passes that QB Wade Wilson completed all game, totaling 97 yards but never finding the sweet spot.

On the other side of the ball, JeBron started off with some problems. While the Dolphins offense was working, the defense was not... the Oilers ripped ‘em up, and only turned the ball over once, resulting in a score of zero for the Dolphins D.

Cool Story, Bro would have to rely on mediocre performances from several players to catch up. QB Boomer Esiason of the Bengals managed 20 fantasy points, despite throwing 3 INT’s. QB Don Majkowski of the Packers, arguable the leader of this team, put up 17 for a solid day. RB’s Merril Hoge of the Steelers and Cleveland Gary of the Rams chipped in to combine for 20 points, but would it be enough??

Well, not when your WR core doesn’t catch a single pass. Zero’s for everybody!

So Noah was up by 3 points, and JeBron had one player left... TE Hoby Brenner of the Saints. Poor ol’ Hoby had only 1 catch all season! It doesn’t help when Steve Walsh is throwing to you, but damn...

Well, Hoby came to PLAY today. The Saints were in the red zone, and Hoby called for the ball. Walsh dropped back, Brenner cut for the end zoooooooone... and Walsh threw an INT.

But then a miracle happened... the Saints Defense FORCED A TURNOVER. I’m being completely serious. Forced fumble, fumble recovery, done deal.

Hoby was stubborn, he thought the Saints could be tricksy like little Hobbits and call the same play twice in a row... so clever! Walsh dropped back, Brenner cut for the end zooooooooone...


TOUCHDOWN!!!! And I captured it on film!!! Brenner FTW!!!

With the victory, JeBron improves to 4-4 and moves back into 5th place. Noah drops to 1-7 and maintains sole possession of last place.

Winner: JeBron (Cool Story, Bro), with 76.42 Total Points. (4-4)
Leading Scorer: QB Boomer Esiason of the Bengals with 21.04 points.

Loser: Noah (Fukushima Fallouts), with 71.02 Total Points. (1-7)
Leading Scorer: RB Sammie Smith of the Dolphins with 28.8 points.

Daaaaaamn, Merril.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZJOWLyq53g

HOBY! HOBY! HOBY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TEhLqwXHP8

Matchup #4: Non-Divisional

Blue Barracudas  vs  Kubes Likes Boobs

The fight for the playoffs is fiercest at the bottom, where Tyler and the Blue Barracudas entered the matchup tied with Sam and Kubes Likes Boobs at 2-5. With Jamie at 2-5 as well, and JeBron entering the week at 3-4, the playoffs are still in reach for either team. A win would lock up the 7th spot for the time being and create a tie-break that could prove a key factor near the end of the season.

Tyler, I know you love these updates, but since Sam doesn’t even read this shit I’ll just keep it short.

You won.

Congrats.

But seriously, you won in the weirdest way.

The only expected result was when RB Neal Anderson of the Bears went Juan Pierre on the Packers, dominating them from the first play of the game. He rushed for 153 and 2 TD’s, and also caught 2 passes for 17 yards. Beast mode.

But after Neal was done and Barry only managed 12 points, I just didn’t see you winning.

But then the Lord descended and exclaimed “The Saints shall Pwn”, and New Orleans started exorcising demons left and right. Steve Walsh TD Pass?? BOOM. Baptized. The Saints Defense posting a TWELVE point week??? BOOM. 1st Communion. Steve Walsh throwing 2 more TD passes and rushing for 43 yards?!? HEYOOOOOO. Confirmation.

Well done, religious football fanatics. With the victory, Tyler moves into 7th place and is poised to break into the Top 6 if he can string a few more wins together.


Winner: Tyler (Blue Barracudas), with 95.24 Total Points. (3-5)
Leading Scorer: QB Steve Walsh with 19.54 points.

Loser: Sam (Kubes Likes Boobs), with 76.6 Total Points. (2-6)
Leading Scorer: RB Bobby Humphrey of the Broncos with 24.5 points.

Neal Anderson. He’s crafty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08UAKpsGOCg

Saints highlights?? Weird.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qs755U3wyo

Matchup #5: Non-Divisional Rematch

Westies  vs  Osama’s Body Guards

The last time these teams met, West got the best of David and Osama’s Body Guards. David held a 2 win lead on Jamie entering the game, but a win by the Westies would be a severe tie-break blow to the terrorist’s cause.

In the end, this turned out to be the second closest finish of the week, with a difference of only 6.92 points!

David had both of his RB’s out, his Defense sitting, and his TE resting as well. Jamie was down one RB (Earnest Byner of the Redskins) and WR Michael Irvin (which really isn’t that bad).

After a slow start to the season, David has been relying heavily on the production of QB Jim Kelly in the past few weeks. He delivered again. Kelly threw for 3 TD’s and 163 yards on only 7 completions, and he added 43 yards and 1 TD on the ground as well. His favorite target that game was WR Andre Reed, another member of Osama’s Body Guards. Reed broke through the Bengals defense on two consecutive plays, hauling in 2 catches for 2 TD’s and 101 yards.

The Westies were pissed, but in their blind rage they launched a mediocre counter-attack. QB Joe Montana of the 49ers could have had a 30+ day, but he was held without a TD pass and was forced to run a couple in instead. QB Rodney Peete of the Lions, who’s been hit or miss this year, wasn’t able to put up big numbers and settled for a 12 point day.

Jamie’s team underperformed all day, but with David missing so many key players she wasn’t falling behind. It took a big day from Kicker Mike Cofer of the 49ers to finally silence the Westies and hand David his 5th win of the season. Cofer’s 8 points sealed the deal late in the Week, and there was no looking back.

With the victory, Osama’s Body Guards picked up their 4th consecutive victory and locked up 4th place in the standings.


Winner: David (Osama’s Body Guards), with 83.8 Total Points. (5-3)
Leading Scorer: QB Jim Kelly of the Bills with 28.82 points.

Loser: Jamie (Westies), with 76.08 Total Points. (2-6)
Leading Scorer: QB Joe Montana of the 49ers with 23.14 points.

Week 8 Awards and Statistics

Owners of the Week
Ashley (Holyhead Harpies) with 110.98 Total Points.
Jon (Homestar’s Runners) with 97.1 Total Points.

Drafted Players of the Week
WR Drew Hill of the Oilers with 32.8 points. (Jon)
RB Christian Okoye of the Chiefs with 30.1 points. (Ashley)
QB Bernie Kosar of the Browns with 29.8 points. (Ashley)
QB Jim Kelly of the Bills with 28.82 points. (David)

Undrafted Players of the Week
QB B.J. Tolliver of the Chargers with 35.56 points.
RB Marcus Allen of the Raiders with 23.8 points.
WR Tommy Kane of the Seahawks with 18.4 points.

C’Mon, Man! Bust of the Week
WC QB Wade Wilson of the Vikings with -1.32 points. Did not play. (Jon)

Too Bad he was on the Bench!
WC RB Blair Thomas of the Jets with 27.5 points. (Tyler)

Largest margin of victory: 32.66 (Jon over Josh)
Smallest margin of victory: 5.4 (JeBron over Noah)
Most points scored in a loss: 79.92 (Drew)
Fewest points scored in a win: 76.42 (JeBron)
Average total score: 83.16
Biggest +/- from Week 7: - 29.34 (Josh), and + 51.78 (Sam)